Favourite Game Whilst Being in a Relationship

Warning: The following is heavily steeped in sarcasm - DO NOT take literally.

Every relationship has their own idioms, the little nuances that make each partnership unique. One of these is the games couples play. We all have little silly games that ourselves and our partners play and it makes us feel special. They're a lot of fun, but the best of them all is 'Hide and Seek Our Things Without Telling Your Significant Other.' Oooo golly gosh this is a good 'en.

Remember that important bank statement we placed down on the bed side table because we were going to read it before bed, well why don't our SO's play our favourite game with that. We know we'll look at where we put our bank statements, it'll be liking hiding a needle in a haystack. What it's not there? After fifteen minutes of looking through similar looking letters we've discovered our partners  aren't playing easy, they've got a good game in mind. Why don't we look in the next three logical places: Where the books go? No. Where we put our keys? No. Well it must be on the dinner table. Oh no they've really stepped up their game.

Of course they've hid it beneath the sink with all the shopping bags for some unknown reason. What? That's where we put those things now? Oh I'm sorry I forgot the fucking memo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I Hate Being A Waiter

Being a writer I naturally have jobs on the side of my lucrative career. One of which is my long and love-hate relationship with the service industry. The best and worst part about this job is the customers. One customer could really make your day perfect and another could make you hate your life.

It's not even them being rude or tipping like a thankful cat. Even though at times I would rather you give me a dead bird than the change you just received from buying second hand tea bags from the shop that is five miles from your house just because they have better 'bargains'.

My main annoyance with the general populace is their belief that my job is to fulfill their every want and desire. Like why would you want lemon with your water? 'Excuse me my drink doesn't have any vagina in it?' that's what I hear. The only thing that I should be adding to your complimentary water is more water. Bruce Jenner probably went into a restaurant and asked for lemon in his/her water and the server misunderstood and gave him/her a fucking vagina.

And don't give me 'Well that's your job' bullshit. What the fuck do I look like? I didn't know my pimp let me change your meal so it's a shadow of its former self whilst working your arsehole like a pro. You don't want sour cream on your salmon then don't order it, its salmon. Let me give you this smoked salmon with no moisture so you can say in your head 'My body is 0.000001% healthier now I got rid of that gluten/soduim/carb addition that will make your supposed 'allergy' make your life less inconvenient.

I'm not going to have a go at those people that believe they are allergic to a million other things because I'm allergic to something. I went to Tacombi, an amazing Mexican restaurant and had some excellent food. When I got home my hands, my back, my chest, neck, head, eyeballs were all on fire, begging to be scratched. I had an allergic reaction to something I ate but you know the next time I go in, I'll put my massive balls in a wheelbarrow and order the same thing. I didn't die so fuck it, I got in the shower and was cool. Those hives went down as quick as they came up thanks to the best cold shower I've ever had. (Oh wait I did have a go at those people.) The only allergies that are of any importance are nuts and shellfish, anyone else make room for people who want to live life.

Speaking of living 'I don't eat gluten.' 'Oh are you allergic?' (in my politest server voice) 'No my family and I of white middle class suburban ball gaggers don't eat gluten.' Oh so when you die from getting hit by a car next week can you say you've lived a full life when you turned down getting a pizza at 1am when you were drunk? No you can't.

The only people who can be excused from having bread are people allergic to it. Anyone else you seriously need to look at your priorities. Pull down your pants, take out that 9" deluded dildo of a better lifestyle, you've had squeezed up inside you since that last time you called yourself a man and have bacon sandwich, with extra ketchup, margarine, on the whitest bread you could find. Because when death comes sooner then you think he won't care you've avoided gluten for your whole plain existence of a so called life.

Game of Thrones: Exploitative or Exposisitive.

I know it is somewhat late to post this but I had a customer the other day and she saw me reading Game of Thrones. Both being fans we immediately began geeking out. Until she said she felt like the series is 'too much' sometimes and went onto say 'As a woman' the rape scene with Sansa could have been implicit.

Certainly that is a valid point, as with most shows that is the tactic. Even with consensual sex scenes most series 'imply' people are having sex instead of showing them which doesn't damage the story. We all know what is happening so why doesn't Game of Thrones do it?

Well my retort to this argument is that as a man I have no idea what it is like being a woman and having that fear. It does happen to men, just look at the scene with Theon Greyjoy, he was only nearly raped and it filled my stomach fear because I can empathize with that. Can I empathize with a woman? No. Can I sympathize? Certainly, but can I feel?

When a film/show 'implies' something it can be shocking but we have to use our imagination to picture what is happening. Our imagination is limited because we know it is fiction, it's happening in our heads so we cannot become emotionally involved with what is happening.

The era Game of Thrones is set in, let's say for argument sake, is the Dark Ages, life was raw and rough. Knights raped entire villages, murdered plundered but these words are like stones to our ears, lifeless and meaningless, just words. Game of Thrones grabs us by the neck and says 'Fucking watch. These are people you love, watch them and feel for them.'

We can see these characters we know and love and fully empathize with them. When these characters are being subjected to horrors we know nothing about we can fully empathize with them because the realism of the show is a double-edge sword.

To do anything else, to imply what is happening would not only shame the show but also the themes that run through it. If it implies rape or murder and pans away then aren't we just panning away from the truth ourselves? That's why Game of Thrones isn't exploiting the horrors of rape and torture, its saying these things happen and they are much worse then you can possibly imagine.

That was a bit heavier so here is Ramsay Bolton playing with a sausage:

Shave your beard? More like Shave Your Dick

Beards are the best invention since photoshop. They literally make ugly people look better, that's why I am not single any more. Most men with beards are actually unattractive without them and they boast how manly they look with them but in actual fact are fearful of shaving because it exposes their hidden virginity on their per-pubescent faces.

So you starting a new job and they say you have to shave your beard. What do you do? You know if you shave it you'll no longer be a 'man' and by 'man' I mean a weak-chinned-facade-of-a-boy. If you don't shave it though you won't be earning all that extra money to take all your mislead girls on dates.

The answer is simple - Don't Shave! You think I'm going to shave even though if I don't I'm not ever going to get out of the service industry? I'm happy to be forever waiting on successful, secure, fulfilled human beings than to get rid of my man burqa. I shave and I lose any credibility that I actually have a dick.

It has been that long that you've had facial hair that shaving it means you have no dick. Why else would anyone go out with you? They are a guarantee to women that your childlike face can't be misconstrued for an androgynous baby.

On some level woman know you are a ugly, they're not stupid. But the beard is a well designed veil that allows them to ignore that fact as well as you and the rest of the world. The media is actual run by ugly people, that's why it's now 'cool' or acceptable to have a beard.

So if someone wants you to trim or shave your repulsive-face-barrier than simply direct them to a buzzfeed video detailing them on why beards are ok to have in any job now. Because if there is one thing I know is if buzz feed do a video on something then everyone has to be ok with whatever they are saying.

How I fight Insomnia

When I say insomnia I don't mean when you are clinically diagonised with it I mean when you can't sleep maybe two nights on the run and at its worst, its slightly annoying.

The best way to combat your mind just not switching off is to simply stop trying. I've heard this being said many times but it has never been actively explained. For example if you can't sleep just get up and do something else.

Don't sit up in bed and read a book or watch a film in bed, get out of bed go into your living room and read or watch in there. It works for me everytime. Right now I am sitting up typing at 4am. Its also dawning on me that I may have done this blog before.

Anyway I believe the fact that you are completely removing yourself away from the bed helps taking your mind off sleeping. People may say 'oh but I have to get up in four hours' most likely you are going to be lying in bed for four hours doing nothing, might as well do something constructive.

It doesn't even have to be productive, watch a film you've never seen before or start that book that has been sitting on your shelf or play a computer game. Use that time to do the things that you never get a chance at doing even if they are completely pointless.

It works for me with good effect because before I know it I'm feeling tired again. Hope this helps, if not e-mail me and we can stay up late together and create an underground fighting club with our alter ego's our mind produced to help deal with our insomnia!

I Have No Idea What It Follows Means.

I don't. I've dwelt on the subject for a good several hours and no exact theory has came to mind. The filmmaker has left a lot of clues throughout the film, mysterious breadcrumbs that don't even add up to a full slice.

There is one thing I am certain on however: I've read a few articles on the film and quite a few of them fixate on the Sex part. Most people assume there is a metaphor 'sex is bad', STD's, virginity etc. To me its too obvious, it doesn't take a film fanatic to understand that the strength of the film lies in its subtly. The whole 'sex to pass it on' is just an arbitrary device in terms of meaning. The sex part is purely superficial. We identify with sex when we grow up so its easy to understand. I was thinking 'I'd be fucked because I couldn't get a girl to sleep with me.' That's where the 'pass on' device works. There is no hidden meaning behind it, that's just how it gets passed on. If it was handshakes or borrowing someone's clothes to pass it on, it'd be harder for us to connect with that idea. The filmmaker himself said to Rolling Stones "It's not a moral film," Mitchell says in regards to the issue. "Obviously, you get this through having sex — but you also survive by having sex, since that's what is passing this on. It's a bit more complicated than just 'sex equals death.'"

The meaning of the 'creature' and the film lay much deeper. In all those articles I have read they do not address one very important and bizarre clue. The film is obviously set in the 80's or wants to convey that time. From the music, to the props, to the clothes everything screamed 80's. Yet Jay's friend is constantly reading from a seashell that looks very much like a weird Ipad, Kindle thing. Now if anyone knows this was an actual device in the 80's and I'm just ignorant of that, then fair enough. If it isn't however there is definitely some meaning behind that. EVEN if was in the 80's, isn't it weird as well, why isn't she just reading a book? What does the story in seashell mean in conjunction with the film?

There is something very evident about sandwiches in this film and water. Sandwiches are purposefully shown in the film and definitely not in an off-hand way. Some scenes start looking directly at them. Jay likes to swim and we see her treading water in her pool in her back garden. After a major plot point happens we catch a glimpse of her swimming pool has been broken. Like someone has sabotaged it. At the 'final' battle the creature won't directly get into the swimming pool. When it does and bleeds, the blood spreads and encompassing the water, almost as if it is taking it over, infecting it.

This film is great. The way it ends may not be liked by many people but it is the only way to end the film. There is little closure which is basically how all the characters in the film will feel so I get that and love it. If you haven't seen it yet I highly recommend it as it is a modern classic and the cinema is the only way to see a film as good as this.

Why MMA Has Ruined Friend Fights

I'll tell you a time when you and your friend would be playing footy or bored and the urge to fight would come over like any red-blooded male animal. You were friends however so no punches were thrown just good old fashioned grappling. Pure strength, instinct and leverage were your only means to win. Headlocks and leg-sweeps were your techniques. It would end in laughter as you both released each other and carried on growing up.

Now in the present day every single person knows how you to choke you out whilst breaking your arm at the same time.Thanks to UFC, play fights are a thing of the past. If you want to wrestle your friend you'd better know how to reverse a triangle choke or at least how to do a clean armbar.

The scariest thing is everyone is too dangerous without them knowing it. My friend was in a training session and his sparing partner locked him into an armbar. There was an intent to win but the sessions focused more on technique. That didn't stop my friend's arm accidentally snapping in half and now he can't fully extend it.

The worst thing about all this though and I'm sure you'll agree is that I have no chance in winning. I was and probably never will be strong so I used to rely on my instinct and leverage. My wily body would wriggle out of amateur holds and my instinct would know the right way to bend and where to put pressure. This advantage has now gone as everyone has been taught (and then some) what I naturally already knew.

Now if I want to fight with my friends I have to go either cheat and gauge them in the eye or lose face. Either way some people are getting Prince of Dorned. Thanks MMA.