No More Sexy Kids

The Rolf Harassment case is well under way and as we see so many of our creepy television uncles of the past fall into disrepute for being exactly what they look like, I start to think what was that made kids so sexy 30-40 years ago?

Next time you are walking down the street and you see a child whether it be a group or several, it will shock you how unattractive they are compared to a fully grown woman or man, depending on your preference. Yet 30 or 40 years ago it seems like everyone on television who worked with children just couldn't keep their hands off them. The obvious reason being is kids looks have drastically deteriorated over the years.

I used all my journalism skills and discovered a shocking secret:

This picture is of one of the girls who was abused by Mr Jim'll Fix it. It was taken in 1961 when little Jenny Shaw was only 6 years old.

This was take just 6 days ago. It is of course sweet Rebecca Farley aged 8 years old. In recent news we discovered she took up cigarettes when she was only 3 months out of her mothers womb. She has been abuse free all her life.

This is irrefutable proof that children were so much sexier in the middle of last century. Although the majority of us wouldn't have acted on the impulse on the sexy 60's kids, we certainly couldn't blame anyone for it. The best thing we can hope for is today's children staying obese and alcoholic addicted pregnant little shits.

Stand by Me: Home to the Greatest Scene Ever.

'The kid wasn't ill, the kid wasn't pretending, the kid wasn't high, the kids wasn't drunk, the kid wasn't allergic to ketchup, the kid wasn't afraid of John Carpenter films, the kid was dead.' - Gordy LeChance aged 47

Stand By Me is one of the greatest coming of age films of all time. This is fact and cannot be argued with to do so would be to able yourself insane. There is one scene in particular that makes this film stand out, one that is immortalised and made the film iconic. This is of course the leech scene.

Gordy and the gang decide to cut through a forest to save time. They encounter a pond, that they believe to be shallow in which they must wade through to continue to the other side. However it is much deeper then what they think, they fall in, have a joke and a wrestle and it's all very fun. Soon they realise it is infested with leeches a disgusting and scary thought for anyone. They manage to rip them all off of each other's bodies except one. One that has its suction deep in Gordy's LeChancer. As he slowly pulls it out of his bill grundies we see the blood covering his fingers. The laughter from the viewer is silenced as boys and girls alike find it difficult to imagine what that must feel like. UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN THE RAZ!

But on a serious note, this is one of the best scenes in cinema ever. This is also a fact. If we take the scene in isolation, we could watch as a short film and get everything that is happening. The boys are taking a short-cut on an adventure and they face the consequences. It has a beginning, a middle and a bloody end. It has laughter, horror, shock and surprise. It also has some fantastic and insightful dialogue, one in particular I have taken to heart and maybe in the near future should let go:

Chris Chambers  'Come on Teddy, act your age'
Teddy: 'This is my age, I'm in the prime of my youth and I'll only be young once!'

Seriously I heard this when I was 12 and I have it tattooed on my soul.

Mothers: The Worst People to Argue With

There are a few things in this life we get true joy from. One of these things for me is when annoying people say annoying things and I get to tell them how annoying they're being. An instant of which springs to mind:

This is a void in space, its name is Barnard 68. It is a billion light years across of apparent nothingness. There is no registered matter or energy emitting from this cold black spot in the cold black world of space. Someone posted this up on facebook and one weird person said 'Ooo maybe it's the entrance to Heaven.' If I could put my fist through my laptop and make it scorch out the otherside I would've have done it then to that person. Instead all I could muster was the words 'Or the entrance to Hell.' Which logically, if anything is what this thing would be if it was attributed to some God-like structure.

In some cases I do not get this satisfaction. None more so when I happen upon a discussion with a mother involved. The reason is because of the easy get-out-of-jail-free-clause mothers use when they are about to lose. There a moments when two people are locked in a rally of superb back of forth intellectual tennis. Arguments are countered superbly only to be rallied again by another outstanding remark that continues to pit both sides in an equal battle. Mum's however can simply ruin this great exercise of mental boxing with the classic line 'Well being a mother' or 'Well you won't understand until you have kids.' 

The worst thing about this  is mothers use this defense in cases when it is totally irrelevant.I was discussing philosophy with a friend of mine, about the thought 'Am I the only real person and everyone else is fake.' I would've won, when all of a sudden she came out with 'Well since you haven't had children you don't know what real is.' Before getting really angry I calmed down and let it slide. The police have dropped me as a suspect over her murder.

But more importantly I do understand because of this wonderful invention called empathy. The line is such a bullshit thing to say and very offensive, especially to moi, a successful and intelligent writer. For example when JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter did real wizards call her up and say 'Excuse me JK, but that bit when Harry lost his wand was just awful, that's not how a wizard would react.' or an even more simple and less comical example when a male writer writes from a female perspective and it reads as women wrote it. Thus proving that I can understand even though I don't have kids.

And it's not just because I write and have to 'get inside' the character, average, normal and unintelligent people can do it, just like you. When you hear about an accident of an apartment building catching fire and peoples possessions are destroyed, you empathize and somehow manage the appreciate the level of loss that those involved feel.

Sadly we are all too polite to mention this to those blasted matriarchal witches.

A hilarious video. Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Conan.

I won't say anything quirky or funny because I don't want to upstage them.

If you are looking with a phone,

the video won't work.

Is it weird that I have about 4 man crushes?

As metrosexuality becomes less of a word an more of the hetrosexuality I wonder are we all just turning gay? - says my mate. I'm just power quoting from him. There is James Franco, Adam from Girls and Leonardo Dicaprio. Beautifully intelligent men who's only default is that they are not my friends. I didn't think anything of this, I just thought they were people to look up to and wish I was them. Until when I said to my girlfriend 'Hey I really think me and Adam off Girls would be good friends.' In which she replied in a fierce fit of jealously, that I must be gay and want bum sex with 'the guy from the temples, James Franco...' and listed off my man crushes. 

I had to really think if I was gay or not. It took me a weeks long soul searching to realise I couldn't find this out on my own and I despaired. In a the dark confused pit of my own sexuality inspiration came to me. I will make a documentary. I began writing the narrative, contacting LGBT support groups and recent famous out person Tom Daley.


After 14 months of filming and editing my film was complete, 'Man crush or Man Love.' 83 minutes of my character arch right before my eyes. Sadly however I will not be trying to publish the film. After those 83 minutes I was still confused, my character arch went back on itself. But luckily I had one more experiment left. I sat in front of my laptop and watched some gay porn and then not gay porn. That's when I knew what I was, I had a lot more fun with the not gay porn.


So girls don't be jealous if your men admire other men, its not gay because we don't have erections.

What Jon Gale's Albion Made Me Realise About Writing my Novel

Recently I saw that a fellow JMU graduate Jon Gale had his novella, Albion published. Excellent news for him but what shocked me was, I didn't feel as jealous as I thought I'd feel.  I only talked to my girlfriend for just 2 hours saying how shit of a writer he was compared to me. Of course there is something inside all us creative types that when we see someone succeed we think 'The little shit'. It's normal due to increasing pressure from a society based on status on wealth and all that. The reason for it is because I am enjoying writing my novel so much I can actually be happy for another person!

 Keep your Eye Out

Par Examplay, (french for for example) the cover of the book Albion (seen above) sums him up perfectly. I must say there are a few people in the course who know him better then me, even though we shared the odd night out and even a fight in Hee Bees, but as a writer I see the cover and I think of Jon Gale. The great thing is it's the exact same thing with me because my book is based on something that makes me, Moi (french for me).

When I started writing novels I was trying to write a scouse version of The Outisder or a JMU version of a Paul Auster novel. These attempts didn't get past the 5th page. I wondered what I was doing wrong. I was reading stories about an individual going on a deep, philosophical and emotional soul searching journey. They were fantastic stories that made me change my outlook on life, Invisible by Auster and Outisder by Albert Camus were just two of these. Naturally I wanted to replicate these stories in my own little way, but it just wasn't working.

 One of the Best Ever

I came to the simple conclusion that the genre was not for me, at least for now. It was round this time I was eviscerating the pages of Raymond E. Feist. Page after page were being soundly annihilated as I gobbled up his books. Twenty three books set in the world Midkemia, a fantastic world full of dragons, magicians, politics, hereos and of course romance. It took me twenty three books of his to make me realise that I am destined to write the greatest fantasy novel(s) ever.

My Favourite of the Series

All my life I have been in love with the fantasy genre, always coming back to it after a strenuous literary read. It was nice to fall into the arms of a marauding pack of mercenaries, made up of death sentenced criminals turned soldiers, sent to Novindus to spy on the Emerald Queen and her rapidly increasing army. While I was reading his last book, Magicians end the final chapter in the world of Midkemia, it clicked. For twenty three books I journeyed to a world time and time again, devouring every word with not a single survivor (except in King of Foxes when Talon of the Silver Hawk is sent to a prison and I was really depressed because he was my favourite character so I skimmed read ((which I never do, does that work in past tense?)) until he escaped so I did miss a few Thes and Ands). I knew for me to become published I had to create a world like this, one that I love to keep coming back to, expanding and cataloging the entire history of a world.

 My Map is Better

For a solid year I have reached about a third of the way through the story but I have built up an entire history of a continent. From wars that shaped the borders that make up the world, to the birth of the first every mercenary guild and the different religions and beliefs of how humans came to be on this vast landscape. I should really concentrate on the main narrative but I am so immersed into the world that when a new character pops up I write where he's from, what race, what town, how big is the town is it close to the northlands or by the desert, how does this effect their trade routes and what sustenance are the people of that town likely to live on, compared to if they lived by the sea. I can't stop, it's addictive and creative and at the same time self-destructive. Every time I split on a tangent, it's more time away from the novel.

Before I panic however and have stop myself from writing, I remember what a lecturer once said to me in reference to a first draft of a short story 'I think with this story, you need to write and see where it takes you.' I didn't want to carry on writing that story so I stopped, but with this one, I cannot stop which can only be a good thing.

Oh by the way you can buy Jon Gale's novella or whatever.

Football Fans - I Hate Them All.

There is one sentence that has never been uttered in the middle of a football argument - 'Yes, I see your point.' Never, not once and the reason for this is because all football fans are twats. Possibly the worst people in the world. At least racist and paedophiles get put into prison, football fans are allowed to run amock and just annoy me.

Don't get me wrong I love football more specifically I love Liverpool (even though the club itself is evil and corrupt.) I can watch any game and feel all the adrenaline and passion as much as anyone. Feel the depression and sadness when Liverpool gets beat but nothing depresses me more then having a discussion with some braindead football fan.

I'll say 'Oh yeah but x player is good.' which is followed by 'Are you messing? He's only scored 7 goals in his last 23 appearances and even then he has only had a 20 minute game average and even then the matches he scored in his team lost and his passing average is minus the ratio of attendance of FC Porto Vista divided by the amount of leagues in Bolivian FA.' There's loving something then there is being obsessed with something. Knowing Millwall's record signing is not a good thing and if you know it as you read this, you stink of poo.

Also I can watch a game and I'll know if a player is good. I'll forget his name or possibly why I think he is good when it comes up in an argument but I'll know that he's good. I'll say 'oh yeah I though that left back was superb' 'Which one?' 'Duno but he ripped through Liverpool, kept that side solid and followed up the winger when he needed support.' and then they'll repeat exactly what the commentator said 'No Liverpool defended well and attacked the right way and they crumbled, I have no recollection of this player.' They have no recollection because the commentator never mentioned they're name.

Don't get me started on the transfer window. 'Ah my dad's mate in work knows someone in the pub who works at the ground and they saw Phil Santiagonaldo getting his car washed by Everton's ground.' Oh yeah well were all those amateur scouts and modern day football East German spies when Fowler resigned for Liverpool. Not one person saw that coming, although I bet you all, when your friend says 'We're buying Damien Ibraniestoure.' and you say 'Bullshit' they'll retort 'Nah because the lad who told me also said we were buying Fowler again.'

And you know what pisses me off more then anything, that makes my teeth grind like a train slamming on the breaks. 21st century Liverpool fans. Oh my fucking god they are such big hypocrites. They'll turn around in an argument with a blue nose and be all 'You bitter bastard' then fucking cheer when Man U get beat again. I'm quiet happy that Man U aren't winning but only because I don't want them getting more trophies then Liverpool. Do I care if they get relegated? No. Do I care were they finish? No. All I care is if Liverpool beat them and eventually win the league. They are Liverpool fans who genuinely hope that Man U get relegated. It makes me weep. They are also Liverpool fans who hate Mourinho just because he beat Liverpool those times. Instead of not caring, instead of rising above the bates and instead of turning into those dirty blue noses.

I actually wind myself up when I think about these things so I have came up with several things to say to football fans to wind them up as well. I'll share them with you -

1. Well if Bale was so good why doesn't he play for England?
2. Oh yeah well Everton have never been in Europe!
3. Oh yeah well Liverpool have never been in Europe!
4. Football isn't that good, I've always thought Rugby was better.
5. Well if Baines was so good why doesn't he play for England?
6. What has Alex Ferguson ever done for Man United?