Photoblog: Glastonbury

Ah Glastonbury. The magical place where King Arthur is buried, where Joseph of Arimathea is said to have stuck his staff in the ground and it flowered miraculously is also home to a rather famous festival. Eclectic and strange boredom is the last word one would associate with this event. This year I was of 200,000 people who descended upon the fields of green and engaged in the festivities.

As 2014 comes to a close it is time to show some of my favourite pictures of this great occasion. Special thanks to Phil MacDonald for providing with the camera.

In no order here is No.1

Sexual

No. 2 

Turn left after the crowd

No. 3

Lolipop Men going into battle

No. 4

The only time when going into the light

is a good thing

No. 5 

Bad Acid Trip in 3...2...1

No. 6 

Coolest Glastonburyier

No. 7

Such good photographer

No. 8 

Lolipop Men were victorious

No. 9 

Glastonbury in one picture.

Rats vs Octopus', octopuses, octopi...loads of eight legged sea-dwelling monsters

As most of you all know human beings are the greatest thing ever. We are winning the race to become Gods with ants, tuna and penguins (amongst others) lagging behind. NASA this year will launch a test flight of a shuttle that in 2021 will be the first manned flight into deep space. In the hopes of one day reaching mars and populating it, the Orion shuttle only confirms the fact that we are much smarter than chickens and cats. Anyone betting that humans will be overtaken any time soon, has to reconsider their options.

Although coming at a very close joint second are probably the two most dangerous and intelligent animals known to man. Rats or Rattus norvegicus have an impressive intelligent vs brain size ratio that if they were of equal size to me or you and played chess against us they would win. Not only would they beat us at chess but whilst playing that game, their soldiers of super strength and agility would have secretly wiped out our abilities to combat them. Yes they would be capable of under-handed dirty tricks, something that we pride ourselves in.

Let me play you the song 

of my people

With rats however we have the benefit that some of them are domesticated and make brilliant and loyal pets, even more than cats and dogs (look it up!) So there is a chance we could get some evil rat general being vanquished by a loyal female rat who was in love with its human owner but sacrificed herself so he could live, immortalizing the fight for equality amongst our races. Which is kind of a good thing because a rat and human baby would be ugly.

Only a mother's love

On the other hand, the hand which there is no escape and no chance of victory, we have the Octopus or Octopus Vulgaris. Forget sharks, forget bears, forget spiders, if there is one animal, one creature that we need to be afraid of it is the octopus. On a level of one to terrifying these creatures are a 'Shit your pants.' The amount of things that are going for these beasts from the depths is ridiculous.

Again their potential intelligence is comparable to the size of their brain. It's the size of a peanut yet they show incredible problem solving capabilities, memory and all around scary stuff. Just read this article and start building your fortifications, not that they will help. There has been some evidence that Octopus have actually tried to come ashore, dying shortly afterwards of course. Don't you see! The invasion is beginning they are just the scouts, testing our defences, the war isn't coming it has already arrived!

 Supplies for the effort

On the plus side most Octopus only live for about one or two years so we can just play the waiting game. This is probably the major reason why they haven't evolved or went beyond the level they are at because they can't build on the intelligence they are all inherently born with. If they start living ten or twenty years then it's time for us to step down from our pedestal.

If this happens hopefully the civil war between Rat and Man has ended and we have entered an alliance. Only with our combined intellect could we defeat the beast of the deep! Imagine riding rats into battle against flying Octopus, be sick wouldn't it!

Couldn't find a picture of that so here is another scary octopus picture:

Self-Sacrifice

The Notebook ain't got 

Shit on this.

We all think that under the circumstances we would sacrifice ourselves to save another life or even several. I believe this, I think the majority of us believe they would do that. If it was to save a hundred people or ten or five, it is built into all of us. It is heroic and brave but I don't think it is as uncommon as some people make it out to be.

The one thing I have been considering, is how me or my family would feel about it. If it was me and one of my close family members (fuck my cousins*) wanted to sacrifice themselves, say for five people at a stretch ten, I would think I would rather have my sisters or mum, dad, girlfriend, brothers etc. ( I have a huge family) then five random people. Yes I would feel proud that they made this brave gesture but if I had the choice, 'Pick your sister to die or ten peo-' 'Ten people, final answer.' Easy. It won't even matter which one.

So flip it, what would your family want? Think of five families being devastated by losing one of their loved ones then imagine yours. Not such an easy decision now because you have a bigger emotional connection to your family. Yes number-wise it would make more sense to go with the five people blah blah but emotion isn't factor when it comes to emotion based decisions.

I know I would get off the plane (in my sacrifice scenario in my head, I'm coming off a plane to scores of reporters. No one in the country entirely blames me for the situation because it wasn't directly my fault, neither do the other family but it's just under the surface like a big emotional Jaws)

Could not resist

and I would return to my family we would cry and hug. Although I would feel bad, my family wouldn't care they only care about me. So the next time you face this decision, just imagine right now in your minds eye how sad your mum would be.

P.S. If I am one of those five or ten people fuck off everything I just said, don't be selfish.

*All my cousins except Edward, that's the benefits of reading my blog cousin :)

P.S.S. This blog is for comedy purposes only (sometimes, well hardly but only because I'm not funny) so if anyone does follow my advice I am absolved from any blame.

Pointless Sequels

The dreaded thing all film fans fear more than pterodactyl. A pointless sequel can be as painful as sac kicking and I don't mean the little stupid balls, or do I? History is littered with great films having their reputation smeared by their whore-loving, drug-taking, fight starting younger brother (that's a metaphor by the way). The first one that comes to mind, is of course, do I even have to say it? Yes that's right Grease 2.

What a pile of awfulness. A pure middle finger to the artistic, deep and profound original. But on a serious note Grease for some people is a good film, in fact although not everyone has seen it they have heard of it. Hardly any sane person has heard of Grease 2. It's that bad that none of your older sisters had a copy.

Two films are being released as sequels in the next coming age. One of which doesn't deserve a sequel and the other simply makes you scratch your head as to wonder why. The former is Horrible Bosses 2 and the latter is Zombieland 2.

Horrible Bosses is the film we all forgot and when they announced it I was shocked that it has a number 2 on the end. However I watched the trailer and it actually made me laugh in parts. So maybe it's not all bad. What worries me though is the large amount of 'stars' in it. When I see a film do that I think they are trying to buy me into liking it. Or blind me with all the stardum. For example it has Jonathan Banks, who plays Mike in Breaking Bad and I was like 'Ah shit no way, I'm guna go see...Oh no.' You see it nearly got me!

Zombieland 2 is a confusing one. I liked this film a lot. The cameo by Bill Murray alone made it for me. The sequel is in the very early stages, Sony have only just confirmed the writer click here to find out who. (I have hyperlinks now.) This being said there can't be any speculation because from a professional journalistic point of view I cannot look foolish, but apparently Pamela Anderson is going to star in it with Vinnie Jones as her younger sister. There is no confirmation that any of the original cast will return and I hope to Gilgamesh they don't because the whole thing will have a Walking Dead feel to it. Like previously on Zombieland 'I want a twinkie!' 'I'm scared of ghosts and clowns' 'I'm Emma Stone.' You see it just won't feel nice at all to see them return. A sense of unease and anxiety will fill follow like when you have to stand between two men in a urinal (an urinal or a urinal, I said it to myself and it a urinal sounds much better so fuck you grammar.)

Please let me never see you four

together again, especially

Bill Murray.

 

One thing has annoyed me about that film: If you saw a zombie celebrity would you shoot it? No of course you wouldn't. 

I don't know what my conclusion is so here is a funny gif:

Decorative Pillows

Recently I have entered the world of decorative pillows. Me and my girlfriend have moved to New York ( I know right ) and I just bought a 'comforter' set. Inside there was several decorative pillows. When I was young and single the idea of these pointless and insulting affront to human evolution filled me with rage and anger which could not be measured by human devices only by comparison of the most violent star systems in the known universe.

Now I am little older a little wiser, I've grown to appreciate the act of doing nothing and simply let time wash over and age my body. I have came to the conclusion that decorative pillows are a pointless and insulting, they are an affront to human evolution, they fill me with rage and anger which cannot be measured by human devices only by comparison of the most violent star systems in the known universe.

When they are on the bed sure they look nice, but when you go to sleep they are casually throw aside. It's like money being flushed down the toilet, or money being eaten by an angry dwarf then that money being shat out, not in my toilet but around the toilet.

It is similar to people buying shoes that have no soles in or televisions with no electronics inside or a someone buying you a Bounty when you asked for a chocolate bar. Things that have no service but are only there as decoration really piss me off. And before you start, no it's not like art because how many decorative pillows have you seen that have made you stand in awe and disbelief that someone that shares your genetic structure could create something as beautiful as this:

Also if you are from Liverpool and haven't

seen this in the flesh, you are as

useless as decorative pillows.

 

My Favourite Film (contains spoilers)

After many long years of deliberation I've finally decided what my favourite film of all time is. This is not to be confused with what I think the best film ever is just my personally favourite.  The film I am talking about is Kids by Larry Clark. I advise you to go and watch the film before reading this. It's an emotional story that will have you laughing then feeling disgusted and torn whether to love or hate a character along the way. With a unique and shocking story this film is hard to dislike. It can be viewed easily through many streaming websites and is even accessible on youtube.

Written by Harmony Korine the film documents the lives of young New York teenagers as they do drugs, skate, have sex and fight. The film's style was so realistic many of the its audience believed it to be a documentary. The shaky cam, natural acting and fantastic yet real dialogue made this so. A scene in particular when a group of girls and a group of boys talk separately about their sexual exploits, experiences and preferences. We see the stark contrast of viewpoints of the two genders and their emotional inexperience in sex simultaneously. Even considering this you find yourself smiling and laughing along with the dialogue as if you are watching a documentary and having your viewpoints discussed on the screen.

There is no real main character as the story jumps from its dependency of plot to and fro between characters. Telly, played by Leo Fitzpatrick we believe to be the main character at first, is caught up in his need to 'fuck virgins' it becomes an obsession for him and from the first scene we immediately dislike him. However it's hard not to be intrigued by him though as him and his friend Casper have some excellent dialogue between them. Casper played by Justin Pierce is Telly's closest friend as he follows him, but not a follower, as he continues his pursuit to devirginize girls. Telly proves to be a complex character even at such a young age and becomes very likeable. You see him being charitable yet a thief, you see him being thoughtful and cultured yet depraved and a bully. The story switches from these characters and Jennie, Chloe Sevigny. Jennie is an extremely sweet girl. In her young life she has only slept with one person, that being Telly. From this point on I am sure you assume that Telly is a Love em and Leave em kind've guy. Jennie isn't caught up on this, a bit pissed as any girl would after a year but not holding any real grudges. We like Jennie as she chats to her friends and accompanies her friend to the sex clinic as emotional support for her as she takes a HIV test.

 Casper on the left,

Scumbag on the right.

The dialogue scene in which I mentioned earlier descends into a discussion about AIDS. Ruby, Jennie's friend, tells the girl group of her several sexual encounters and how a few of them went unprotected, hence the test. We flashback to when both girls get tested. They re-visit that clinic today to get their results. At the same time we hear Telly speak of his desire to 'fuck two virgins in one day' more specifically a young girl named Darcy. Him and Casper bet money and whether he will or not and so find their next adventure in the day. Meanwhile back in the clinic we hear the good news that Ruby is HIV negative and we breathe a sigh of relief but then we cut to Jennie, Jennie's innocent, young face as she is told she has contracted the HIV virus. But she has only been with one person she says and we cut to Telly.

This is when the narrative gets serious, no longer is about smoking weed and skateboarding but a race against time for Jennie to find Telly before he sleeps with Darcy. It dawns on the audience as we remember that it was mentioned that Telly and Jennie slept together over a year ago and we contemplate the damage that has been done to not only the young girl at the beginning of the film but the countless others that Telly has slept with.

The films tone changes heavily after this. Before we may have seen the exploits of these teenagers as harmless fun as they try to fight boredom the only way generation x can. We begin to feel disturbed and sick as these 'kids' are not adults, they are dealing with taboo topics that we assume only adults can emotionally deal with not 'kids'. They take these topics on however with a child's version of how an adult should.

 Harmony Korine's cameo,
aged 22.

The best thing about this film is how it shows us how teenagers truly think. So many times as adults we think 'Kids today blah blah blah' forgetting that the same desires and vices we indulge in are the same as when we were kids but with a more emotional grounded perspective. It's not so much exposing the lifestyle of teenagers 'these days' kind've movie, more exposing the lifestyles we used to live. I also can't stress enough the greatness of the dialogue as well, some of the best in any film. Even on the level, and I don't say this lightly, with Tarantino. I'm not going to tell you the ending because I've already spoilt enough yet hopefully teased you the right amount you should go and watch it if you haven't already, because there is a lot more in it then what I've divulged to you.

How Having a Girlfriend Gamer is Actually an Awful Thing.

'Arrrr my girlfriends amazing we play games together and everything.' Said the biggest liar in the world!

When males are young and naive they dream of a girlfriend who they could one day re-tell their gaming stories with as if it was like spinning romantic yarns of sunny days out to the beach and running through the woods mid-storm. As we get older however we realise that this isn't the case at all, in fact we want our girlfriends to stay as far away from our gaming consoles as humanly possible.

Sure having some fun on Mario Kart and the occasional beat-em up is cool and fun, Battlefield and Left 4 Dead on the other hand should be out of bounds. Remember when you and you're friends were experiencing some rather difficult opponents on a game of Conquest? Do you also remember having to carry one or two of your friends as you struggle to match your opponents skill? And also how you wanted to scream at your friends 'What the fuck are you doing? Are you that shit that you can't defend the C flag for more than 10 seconds so I can at least disrupt their hold on A flag?!' Yes of course you do.

The beautiful things with girlfriends is how you can share your innermost insecurities and thoughts without fear of reprisal. It's a great thing relationships, we as an evolved species have revolutionised how we interact and bond with our mates.

So couple all that bullshit with that fact that you have a female playing with you on Call of Duty S&D and she doesn't know what cover objective A means while you sweep the flanks. Instead she sees someone coming up behind you reloads instead of shooting and you lose the round yet again. What happens? You obviously tell her 'What the fuck are you doing? I said cover me!'

And even if you aren't competitive (which is a category I can put myself in, obviously) males are solitary creatures and as such need a portion of time to themselves to relax their mind. Gaming is one of the escapes we go to, where we can totally shut-off and ignore the man-made illusion of 'reality' kind've like yoga for people with testicles.

It's true my male friends, you mightn't know it but that is the case. Now think of this beautiful and serene place being invaded by an emotional, sometimes illogical and emotion-based decision making monster that is the love of your life. The place you counted as your home from home will now be an extension of the bourgeois-elitist made prison that is 'society.'

So cherish the alone time because as they say absence makes the heart grow founder and a girl always has a minus Kill/Death Ratio.

Disclaimer: All facts are 100% proven by the science of common sense. If you have any problems the views and opinions expressed by the writer are entirely his own: