3 really funny youtube videos.

I good friend of mine recently said 'Hey Shaun, I read your blog. I really like it you have an opinion and you stick to it. But your recent stuff has been shit, it's like you lost something.' Well I feel you are right so I've been trying to really on writing pieces that were like I used to.

This blog however I'm just showing you 3 videos on youtube because I can't write amazing all the time I need a break ok. So fuck you and your opinion. You probably won't read this because its one of my shit ones. But if you do I'm sorry don't box my face in.

1. Public WWE finishers

2. Shooterwilliamson does Gerrard's commentary

3. Bad Lip Reading NFL

The Oscars

Before I start I want to say I'm a little biased. We all now how this is going to turn out, it's going to be anti-Oscars and pro Leonardo Dicaprio. The fact that this man, not only hasn't won one yet but has only been nominated five times is unbelievable and one of those was 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape', which let's be honest was a big pile of used Ebola Patients jizz rags.

'Blood Diamond' is up there because it's fucking immense and 'Wolf of Wall Street' for its portrayal on 'Give Lads a Big Load of Money and See What They Do.' Seriously I wana do ludes. If anyone has any or something close inbox and we'll sort it out. Also 'The Aviator' but I haven't seen it because it was fairly close in the Leo timeline to 'Titanic' so I haven't really been arsed.

Such a powerful 

performance

Only these films have been associated with Dicaprio at the Oscars. How The Departed, Shutter Island, Inception, Body of Lies to name a few haven't been there is as corrupt as an Italian cabinet meetings day out to mini-golf and the winner gets a free lapdance from a 16 year old orphan girl. Leo has been Burlesconied out of the Oscars so many times it makes me think what is the point.

To be fair I have never watched the Academy Awards because I'd rather eat barbed wire covered in ghost chilli sauce and wash it down with 4 week old milk then shit it out through my penis hole. But when you look at what other films have been nominated, what other actors have been nominated you start to think, why does anyone watch this load of diseased semen?

I know this might sound crazy from a fan of cinema but I don't really care for Meryl Streep. You know when you meet someone and you think I have to be careful, you are too nice and I am going to be embarrassed if you turn out to be an evil cunt and I actually gave you ten quid to get the round in, only for you to come back and say the bar is closed and I have to actually ask you for the tenner back well Meryl Streep looks like that person.

I'm not going to lie,

this movie is actually really good.

If you look at her impressive 19 nominations in the Academy Awards you realise 'Fuck I've only watched about 3 of them. And not because she was in it. Was she actually in it? I can't even fucking remember it was so long ago and this was the only thing on tele and I was 12 and I just discovered masturbation and my parents just came in from their night out so I quickly changed the channel from babestation whilst pulling up my pj's and it just landed on the Deer Hunter or Kramer vs Kramer so when they walked in I looked like a nice kid watching some powerful cinema when in actually fact I was trying to bust my 4th load of the night over some ugly fake boobed slut who must have no self-respect or any redeeming qualities for that matter.'

Only women would've seen her films or anyone who likes Thatcher who, let's be honest are bellends. 'The Devil Wears Prada' really? That was in the Oscars. I've never seen it so you may think 'Ah you are speaking out of ignorance' Yeah well who cares, someone said don't drop that bomb it'll kill about 200,000 innocent Japanese people and set off a chain reaction in the atmosphere and could potentially changed our air forever and then the bastards dropped 2000 more in test strikes but no one had dropped the thing before that so how did they know.

Seriously most of those films are wank. The films she won was Kramer vs Kramer, which all I can remember from that is 'I hate you too, you little shit!', 'Sophie's Choice' I dont even know what to fucking say and 'The Iron Lady' more like 'The Cunt who shouldn't have shared my Oxygen.' And the rest I haven't heard of.

Some of you may be like 'What?! You haven't seen erm...one sec...Silkwood, it was great.' Well I was too busy watching The Two Towers. Like let's read what IMDB's blurb is for that film 'The story of Karen Silkwood, a metallurgy worker at a plutonium processing plant who was purposefully contaminated, psychologically tortured and possibly murdered to prevent her from exposing blatant worker safety violations at the plant.' Fuck that actually sounds quiet good.

I must confess most of her nominations have been for best actress and so Dicaprio would have a hard time winning that award and yes I may be deflecting my hatred for lack of Dicaprio nominations on to a woman who is actually a great actress, even though most of her films are a bit gay.

It's just I watched Shutter Island again for the 45th time and how a 'Godamn Us Federal Marshall' didn't win best everything angers me.

Photoblog: Christmas in New York

'Woah, what's going on its not Christmas anymore, you're either forgetful or extremely lazy!' I hear you all say well I'll tell you erm...erm... I forget my poin-oh whatever.

Ha joke.

But to actually address your wrongful accusation I've chosen late January for this post for a very purposeful reason. We are all down that the earth is now 2015 years old :P and Christmas went by in a flash. Well it's not! It's inside all of us all the time. Who says we can't watch Scrooged or Die Hard a hot day in May? Who? No one. You can make Christmas happen every day. Just like I am about, look at these photo's and plan your 2015 Christmas now and look forward to it all year round!

 I actually can't skate how depressing is

this photo when you realise that

 'New York at Christmas is meh' said no one ever

 The original Father Christmas.

Children would sit on his lead lap,

tell him their presents only to be greeted by

the sound of silence. Just like today.

 New York City Public Library

How boss is that?

And that. New York is pure scouse.

You have no idea how long it took me to

get this shot.

 I'd Rock-er-fella

Buy your tickets quick!

Okay I know you were expecting the parade but we slept in okay! We work long and late when we live in New York. Not like you bitches who come for 2 weeks and get up at 7 am everyday because they're on holiday. We work in New York, long hours, no breaks. I ate on the train yesterday, my breakfast as well as my dinner. We just don't have time! I'm sorry, to make up here is a milkshake.

It was tidy. And here are our feet.

We are tidy.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Photoblog: Autumn New York

It certainly has been a good year. Living in the most (insert awe-inspiring adjective here) city in the world for six months has taught me a lot and changed me, professionally for the better. I'd like to show you some of the best pics I've been snapping whilst here. Also in the summer I kept forgetting to bring my camera out with me so there is no summer shots, SOZ!

1.

Freedom Tower

2.

 

3.

4.

5.

Don't Blink, blink and you're dead

6.

7. 

Hope you liked them, Xmas one coming soon.

Photoblog: Glastonbury

Ah Glastonbury. The magical place where King Arthur is buried, where Joseph of Arimathea is said to have stuck his staff in the ground and it flowered miraculously is also home to a rather famous festival. Eclectic and strange boredom is the last word one would associate with this event. This year I was of 200,000 people who descended upon the fields of green and engaged in the festivities.

As 2014 comes to a close it is time to show some of my favourite pictures of this great occasion. Special thanks to Phil MacDonald for providing with the camera.

In no order here is No.1

Sexual

No. 2 

Turn left after the crowd

No. 3

Lolipop Men going into battle

No. 4

The only time when going into the light

is a good thing

No. 5 

Bad Acid Trip in 3...2...1

No. 6 

Coolest Glastonburyier

No. 7

Such good photographer

No. 8 

Lolipop Men were victorious

No. 9 

Glastonbury in one picture.

Rats vs Octopus', octopuses, octopi...loads of eight legged sea-dwelling monsters

As most of you all know human beings are the greatest thing ever. We are winning the race to become Gods with ants, tuna and penguins (amongst others) lagging behind. NASA this year will launch a test flight of a shuttle that in 2021 will be the first manned flight into deep space. In the hopes of one day reaching mars and populating it, the Orion shuttle only confirms the fact that we are much smarter than chickens and cats. Anyone betting that humans will be overtaken any time soon, has to reconsider their options.

Although coming at a very close joint second are probably the two most dangerous and intelligent animals known to man. Rats or Rattus norvegicus have an impressive intelligent vs brain size ratio that if they were of equal size to me or you and played chess against us they would win. Not only would they beat us at chess but whilst playing that game, their soldiers of super strength and agility would have secretly wiped out our abilities to combat them. Yes they would be capable of under-handed dirty tricks, something that we pride ourselves in.

Let me play you the song 

of my people

With rats however we have the benefit that some of them are domesticated and make brilliant and loyal pets, even more than cats and dogs (look it up!) So there is a chance we could get some evil rat general being vanquished by a loyal female rat who was in love with its human owner but sacrificed herself so he could live, immortalizing the fight for equality amongst our races. Which is kind of a good thing because a rat and human baby would be ugly.

Only a mother's love

On the other hand, the hand which there is no escape and no chance of victory, we have the Octopus or Octopus Vulgaris. Forget sharks, forget bears, forget spiders, if there is one animal, one creature that we need to be afraid of it is the octopus. On a level of one to terrifying these creatures are a 'Shit your pants.' The amount of things that are going for these beasts from the depths is ridiculous.

Again their potential intelligence is comparable to the size of their brain. It's the size of a peanut yet they show incredible problem solving capabilities, memory and all around scary stuff. Just read this article and start building your fortifications, not that they will help. There has been some evidence that Octopus have actually tried to come ashore, dying shortly afterwards of course. Don't you see! The invasion is beginning they are just the scouts, testing our defences, the war isn't coming it has already arrived!

 Supplies for the effort

On the plus side most Octopus only live for about one or two years so we can just play the waiting game. This is probably the major reason why they haven't evolved or went beyond the level they are at because they can't build on the intelligence they are all inherently born with. If they start living ten or twenty years then it's time for us to step down from our pedestal.

If this happens hopefully the civil war between Rat and Man has ended and we have entered an alliance. Only with our combined intellect could we defeat the beast of the deep! Imagine riding rats into battle against flying Octopus, be sick wouldn't it!

Couldn't find a picture of that so here is another scary octopus picture:

Self-Sacrifice

The Notebook ain't got 

Shit on this.

We all think that under the circumstances we would sacrifice ourselves to save another life or even several. I believe this, I think the majority of us believe they would do that. If it was to save a hundred people or ten or five, it is built into all of us. It is heroic and brave but I don't think it is as uncommon as some people make it out to be.

The one thing I have been considering, is how me or my family would feel about it. If it was me and one of my close family members (fuck my cousins*) wanted to sacrifice themselves, say for five people at a stretch ten, I would think I would rather have my sisters or mum, dad, girlfriend, brothers etc. ( I have a huge family) then five random people. Yes I would feel proud that they made this brave gesture but if I had the choice, 'Pick your sister to die or ten peo-' 'Ten people, final answer.' Easy. It won't even matter which one.

So flip it, what would your family want? Think of five families being devastated by losing one of their loved ones then imagine yours. Not such an easy decision now because you have a bigger emotional connection to your family. Yes number-wise it would make more sense to go with the five people blah blah but emotion isn't factor when it comes to emotion based decisions.

I know I would get off the plane (in my sacrifice scenario in my head, I'm coming off a plane to scores of reporters. No one in the country entirely blames me for the situation because it wasn't directly my fault, neither do the other family but it's just under the surface like a big emotional Jaws)

Could not resist

and I would return to my family we would cry and hug. Although I would feel bad, my family wouldn't care they only care about me. So the next time you face this decision, just imagine right now in your minds eye how sad your mum would be.

P.S. If I am one of those five or ten people fuck off everything I just said, don't be selfish.

*All my cousins except Edward, that's the benefits of reading my blog cousin :)

P.S.S. This blog is for comedy purposes only (sometimes, well hardly but only because I'm not funny) so if anyone does follow my advice I am absolved from any blame.