Why I Hate Being A Waiter

Being a writer I naturally have jobs on the side of my lucrative career. One of which is my long and love-hate relationship with the service industry. The best and worst part about this job is the customers. One customer could really make your day perfect and another could make you hate your life.

It's not even them being rude or tipping like a thankful cat. Even though at times I would rather you give me a dead bird than the change you just received from buying second hand tea bags from the shop that is five miles from your house just because they have better 'bargains'.

My main annoyance with the general populace is their belief that my job is to fulfill their every want and desire. Like why would you want lemon with your water? 'Excuse me my drink doesn't have any vagina in it?' that's what I hear. The only thing that I should be adding to your complimentary water is more water. Bruce Jenner probably went into a restaurant and asked for lemon in his/her water and the server misunderstood and gave him/her a fucking vagina.

And don't give me 'Well that's your job' bullshit. What the fuck do I look like? I didn't know my pimp let me change your meal so it's a shadow of its former self whilst working your arsehole like a pro. You don't want sour cream on your salmon then don't order it, its salmon. Let me give you this smoked salmon with no moisture so you can say in your head 'My body is 0.000001% healthier now I got rid of that gluten/soduim/carb addition that will make your supposed 'allergy' make your life less inconvenient.

I'm not going to have a go at those people that believe they are allergic to a million other things because I'm allergic to something. I went to Tacombi, an amazing Mexican restaurant and had some excellent food. When I got home my hands, my back, my chest, neck, head, eyeballs were all on fire, begging to be scratched. I had an allergic reaction to something I ate but you know the next time I go in, I'll put my massive balls in a wheelbarrow and order the same thing. I didn't die so fuck it, I got in the shower and was cool. Those hives went down as quick as they came up thanks to the best cold shower I've ever had. (Oh wait I did have a go at those people.) The only allergies that are of any importance are nuts and shellfish, anyone else make room for people who want to live life.

Speaking of living 'I don't eat gluten.' 'Oh are you allergic?' (in my politest server voice) 'No my family and I of white middle class suburban ball gaggers don't eat gluten.' Oh so when you die from getting hit by a car next week can you say you've lived a full life when you turned down getting a pizza at 1am when you were drunk? No you can't.

The only people who can be excused from having bread are people allergic to it. Anyone else you seriously need to look at your priorities. Pull down your pants, take out that 9" deluded dildo of a better lifestyle, you've had squeezed up inside you since that last time you called yourself a man and have bacon sandwich, with extra ketchup, margarine, on the whitest bread you could find. Because when death comes sooner then you think he won't care you've avoided gluten for your whole plain existence of a so called life.

Game of Thrones: Exploitative or Exposisitive.

I know it is somewhat late to post this but I had a customer the other day and she saw me reading Game of Thrones. Both being fans we immediately began geeking out. Until she said she felt like the series is 'too much' sometimes and went onto say 'As a woman' the rape scene with Sansa could have been implicit.

Certainly that is a valid point, as with most shows that is the tactic. Even with consensual sex scenes most series 'imply' people are having sex instead of showing them which doesn't damage the story. We all know what is happening so why doesn't Game of Thrones do it?

Well my retort to this argument is that as a man I have no idea what it is like being a woman and having that fear. It does happen to men, just look at the scene with Theon Greyjoy, he was only nearly raped and it filled my stomach fear because I can empathize with that. Can I empathize with a woman? No. Can I sympathize? Certainly, but can I feel?

When a film/show 'implies' something it can be shocking but we have to use our imagination to picture what is happening. Our imagination is limited because we know it is fiction, it's happening in our heads so we cannot become emotionally involved with what is happening.

The era Game of Thrones is set in, let's say for argument sake, is the Dark Ages, life was raw and rough. Knights raped entire villages, murdered plundered but these words are like stones to our ears, lifeless and meaningless, just words. Game of Thrones grabs us by the neck and says 'Fucking watch. These are people you love, watch them and feel for them.'

We can see these characters we know and love and fully empathize with them. When these characters are being subjected to horrors we know nothing about we can fully empathize with them because the realism of the show is a double-edge sword.

To do anything else, to imply what is happening would not only shame the show but also the themes that run through it. If it implies rape or murder and pans away then aren't we just panning away from the truth ourselves? That's why Game of Thrones isn't exploiting the horrors of rape and torture, its saying these things happen and they are much worse then you can possibly imagine.

That was a bit heavier so here is Ramsay Bolton playing with a sausage:

Shave your beard? More like Shave Your Dick

Beards are the best invention since photoshop. They literally make ugly people look better, that's why I am not single any more. Most men with beards are actually unattractive without them and they boast how manly they look with them but in actual fact are fearful of shaving because it exposes their hidden virginity on their per-pubescent faces.

So you starting a new job and they say you have to shave your beard. What do you do? You know if you shave it you'll no longer be a 'man' and by 'man' I mean a weak-chinned-facade-of-a-boy. If you don't shave it though you won't be earning all that extra money to take all your mislead girls on dates.

The answer is simple - Don't Shave! You think I'm going to shave even though if I don't I'm not ever going to get out of the service industry? I'm happy to be forever waiting on successful, secure, fulfilled human beings than to get rid of my man burqa. I shave and I lose any credibility that I actually have a dick.

It has been that long that you've had facial hair that shaving it means you have no dick. Why else would anyone go out with you? They are a guarantee to women that your childlike face can't be misconstrued for an androgynous baby.

On some level woman know you are a ugly, they're not stupid. But the beard is a well designed veil that allows them to ignore that fact as well as you and the rest of the world. The media is actual run by ugly people, that's why it's now 'cool' or acceptable to have a beard.

So if someone wants you to trim or shave your repulsive-face-barrier than simply direct them to a buzzfeed video detailing them on why beards are ok to have in any job now. Because if there is one thing I know is if buzz feed do a video on something then everyone has to be ok with whatever they are saying.