3 Games I Need To Complete Before I Die.

I love my old school games, mainly because of some psychological stuff that I can't be bothered researching. Something along the lines of things looking better when I was little because my imagination was more creative etc. The fact is I love older games, mainly because they presented me with more of a challenge then modern games do. Forget games that have you putting the difficulty up which just makes the enemies tougher, we are talking about a true challenge. Ones that make your head hurt with you trying to figure how to get to the next level, or beat that boss or unlock that impossible puzzle. Games like:

1. Tomba

Look he's about to fuck a pig, that's amazing! All I had of this game was the demo, just the demo and I played on it for hours. Demo's (if you were born after 1994) were designed to give you a taste of what's to come for the game. You would get a disc with 6 to 8 playable demo's with the monthly playstation magazine. Tomba was one of them and it was literally a 1/4 of the game. I recently downloaded the Iso for the game on my psp but the bastard thing had some code missing so when I entered some part of the world it would freeze on the loading screen. But mark my words, as God, Lucifer, Gilgamesh and Kylie Minogue I will at some point complete this game!

Look! He's actually fucking it!

That's how you killed them!

Best game ever.

2. Broken Sword

Another demo that would haunt my dreams! Back when I was 7 the idea of point and click was unknown to me, it was alien, occult even forbidden. I was naturally afraid of such an otherworldy game. But then I was enlightened, I clawed out of the primordial sludge with Broken Sword: The Shadow of the Templars as my grip that guided me and pulled me out of the darkness. I was awakened to such a colourful, quirky, funny and tense adventure. The playstation demo was only short but it really captured my interest. Alas it was a tale of me finally getting my hands on a copy later in my life. This time for the PC only to be denied by an act of god! My laptop overheated and destroyed my save file. Suffice to say I couldn't be bothered to start again until I had completely forgot the whole adventure and would discover it again at some point were it would be liking playing the game anew. My only worry is will this time come before the icy grip of death...

3. I am ashamed, it's Resident Evil 1.

 Argh! The memories.

I know, I know! Caste your unforgiving looks elsewhere, I have enough shame gorging on guilt-filled heart then to have your stares burrowing into my brain, nowhere else to go except my soul! When I was only a lad, it must have been the first few months since my father bought the playstation and I opened the then current playstation magazine to see a piece on Resident Evil. The idea of the zombie was given to me, like an angel descending from the heavens to impregnate me with God's will. Will being the love of killing zombies that is! I poured over that article for months going onto years the pictures engraved in my mind. I was too young to buy it, and my father wouldn't. Not because of it being too gory or may damage my mental health or anything but because he didn't think it was good...YOU SEE FATHER! YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME!
Anywhoo. I actually bought it when I was older and super backwards compatibility (fuck you xbox) gave me the chance to complete it. Now unlike resident evil 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 etc. this game was actually a challenge and scary! Obviously the scariness was something attributed to psychological thing I mentioned before. That being said I was never able to complete it because I was afraid of dying, I would get lost in this big old mansion and suddenly a hunter would pop round the corner and PUFF I would have no head, then start the horror again. It just wasn't good for my nerves.

Seriously who was this? It wasn't Chris,

both ID Card Chris and Full Motion Film 

Chris, don't look like him.

 

So in conclusion these are the three games I need to complete before I die. If I don't believe me when I say I will kill myself.

Quickie: 5 Pics To Make You Smile

This whole moving to New York takes a lot of time up, sometimes despair sets in. When this happens simply go on google and search for some funny pictures. I have saved the time for you and here is five little pictures that'll hopefully make you laugh:

The Problem with Todays Children TV

Now even though children's tv of today has less paedophiles then 40 years ago, (that we know of)  it is nothing compared to the shows I used to watch.

My favourites were Fireman Sam, Noddy and of course Captain Scarlet. Now what do all these shows have in common? They were all re-made today but instead of using puppets the powers that be decided to use CGI. When these shows were re-made CGI was cheap and accessible for it to be used openly so it was exciting and cheaper to do these shows with an updated style. I'm guessing the idea was to appeal to the younger generation and attract the nostalgia factor from people like me.

Sadly it didn't work for me. The reason why is when I watched Captain Scarlet, one of the best shows ever to grace the square box, I wanted to play Captain Scarlet. There is an episode were the most advanced tank ever made is being showcased to the Earth's Supreme Commander. You see the tank driving up hills, jumping over ditches and shooting objects to smithereens. I remember watching this and wanting that tank, just like the other Spectrum vehicles, the SPV, the Angel's Jets, even the Spectrum Cloud base.

The reason why it was so great was the puppets and the vehicles are real, they're not some fake computerized image. What I was watching was the setting for my imagination, so when I bought the toys I could re-create what was happening on the scream. It was like someone was using your toys to make a show. The CGI re-makes could never re-create this kind of magic, the same feeling would always escape them. Even if the argument of 'Kid's now-a-days just play computer games' is used why would a child watch a show when he could just control it. On a side note children will always play with toys as well as computer games, the aforementioned argument is 100% wrong.

Now here is the first seven minutes the re-make. Just watch up until the first 1:07 for the opening:

And here is the original:

Now you tell me which one is better. Plus the new one is racist because they took the only black man in the show and changed him into a woman. I don't know if they kept the Angel Melody or not, I didn't want to watch that far to find out.

Toilets + Coat Hangers = Social Reform

Mankind is screaming to another technological age. It is frightening how advanced the human race is becoming. For example the Wendelstein 7-X is a stellarator superconductor under construction. In 2015 it will be able to use electromagnetism to harness plasma as an energy source, the same way the sun use gravity. Considering this I find that this new technological age will never happen because of the the majority of people are being kept away from these technological advances.

The one I am writing about specifically is, as you all will agree, coat hangers in public toilets. If every toilet in the world can't afford to have coat hangers then we will never ever reach alpha centauri. I am one of those people who has recently reached a stage of enlightenment were I am no longer afraid to use public toilets to void my bowels. I feel a stronger, more confident woman with goals who isn't afraid to challenge patriarchal conventions. However when I finish feathering the nest and turn to hang my jacket up on the door and see there is nowhere to hang it an immense anger wells up inside me.

Now it's fact that no matter how clean a toilet floor may look it is actually invest with poo and wee germs and if anything falls on the floor the 5 second rule is void. With no coat hangers I have to find a place for my backpack and coat/jacket. I'm already worrying about my willy touching the basin as I sit down that I don't want to worry about my jacket sleeve touching the floor.

Most relevant picture I could find

Enjoy!

This was the exact reason I didn't like to use public toilets. Poo is horrible, there is very little redeeming qualities about it, unless you are weird or R Kelly. I find myself having to do a recon mission before I can allow my body to prepare for the drop.

Now I'm being forced to retreat from this great social leap I made. It isn't just me, the whole world is being struck with this epidemic. Soon toilets with coat hangers will be overflowing with people and deconstructed matters of waste. There will be a coat hanger tax and all chaos will ensue, riots, wars, fathers turning on sons, starvation, big brother being entertaining. Before we realise all this technological advancement will be rendered void and we will be nothing more then the primordial ooze that crawled out of the sea.