Rats vs Octopus', octopuses, octopi...loads of eight legged sea-dwelling monsters

As most of you all know human beings are the greatest thing ever. We are winning the race to become Gods with ants, tuna and penguins (amongst others) lagging behind. NASA this year will launch a test flight of a shuttle that in 2021 will be the first manned flight into deep space. In the hopes of one day reaching mars and populating it, the Orion shuttle only confirms the fact that we are much smarter than chickens and cats. Anyone betting that humans will be overtaken any time soon, has to reconsider their options.

Although coming at a very close joint second are probably the two most dangerous and intelligent animals known to man. Rats or Rattus norvegicus have an impressive intelligent vs brain size ratio that if they were of equal size to me or you and played chess against us they would win. Not only would they beat us at chess but whilst playing that game, their soldiers of super strength and agility would have secretly wiped out our abilities to combat them. Yes they would be capable of under-handed dirty tricks, something that we pride ourselves in.

Let me play you the song 

of my people

With rats however we have the benefit that some of them are domesticated and make brilliant and loyal pets, even more than cats and dogs (look it up!) So there is a chance we could get some evil rat general being vanquished by a loyal female rat who was in love with its human owner but sacrificed herself so he could live, immortalizing the fight for equality amongst our races. Which is kind of a good thing because a rat and human baby would be ugly.

Only a mother's love

On the other hand, the hand which there is no escape and no chance of victory, we have the Octopus or Octopus Vulgaris. Forget sharks, forget bears, forget spiders, if there is one animal, one creature that we need to be afraid of it is the octopus. On a level of one to terrifying these creatures are a 'Shit your pants.' The amount of things that are going for these beasts from the depths is ridiculous.

Again their potential intelligence is comparable to the size of their brain. It's the size of a peanut yet they show incredible problem solving capabilities, memory and all around scary stuff. Just read this article and start building your fortifications, not that they will help. There has been some evidence that Octopus have actually tried to come ashore, dying shortly afterwards of course. Don't you see! The invasion is beginning they are just the scouts, testing our defences, the war isn't coming it has already arrived!

 Supplies for the effort

On the plus side most Octopus only live for about one or two years so we can just play the waiting game. This is probably the major reason why they haven't evolved or went beyond the level they are at because they can't build on the intelligence they are all inherently born with. If they start living ten or twenty years then it's time for us to step down from our pedestal.

If this happens hopefully the civil war between Rat and Man has ended and we have entered an alliance. Only with our combined intellect could we defeat the beast of the deep! Imagine riding rats into battle against flying Octopus, be sick wouldn't it!

Couldn't find a picture of that so here is another scary octopus picture:

Self-Sacrifice

The Notebook ain't got 

Shit on this.

We all think that under the circumstances we would sacrifice ourselves to save another life or even several. I believe this, I think the majority of us believe they would do that. If it was to save a hundred people or ten or five, it is built into all of us. It is heroic and brave but I don't think it is as uncommon as some people make it out to be.

The one thing I have been considering, is how me or my family would feel about it. If it was me and one of my close family members (fuck my cousins*) wanted to sacrifice themselves, say for five people at a stretch ten, I would think I would rather have my sisters or mum, dad, girlfriend, brothers etc. ( I have a huge family) then five random people. Yes I would feel proud that they made this brave gesture but if I had the choice, 'Pick your sister to die or ten peo-' 'Ten people, final answer.' Easy. It won't even matter which one.

So flip it, what would your family want? Think of five families being devastated by losing one of their loved ones then imagine yours. Not such an easy decision now because you have a bigger emotional connection to your family. Yes number-wise it would make more sense to go with the five people blah blah but emotion isn't factor when it comes to emotion based decisions.

I know I would get off the plane (in my sacrifice scenario in my head, I'm coming off a plane to scores of reporters. No one in the country entirely blames me for the situation because it wasn't directly my fault, neither do the other family but it's just under the surface like a big emotional Jaws)

Could not resist

and I would return to my family we would cry and hug. Although I would feel bad, my family wouldn't care they only care about me. So the next time you face this decision, just imagine right now in your minds eye how sad your mum would be.

P.S. If I am one of those five or ten people fuck off everything I just said, don't be selfish.

*All my cousins except Edward, that's the benefits of reading my blog cousin :)

P.S.S. This blog is for comedy purposes only (sometimes, well hardly but only because I'm not funny) so if anyone does follow my advice I am absolved from any blame.

Pointless Sequels

The dreaded thing all film fans fear more than pterodactyl. A pointless sequel can be as painful as sac kicking and I don't mean the little stupid balls, or do I? History is littered with great films having their reputation smeared by their whore-loving, drug-taking, fight starting younger brother (that's a metaphor by the way). The first one that comes to mind, is of course, do I even have to say it? Yes that's right Grease 2.

What a pile of awfulness. A pure middle finger to the artistic, deep and profound original. But on a serious note Grease for some people is a good film, in fact although not everyone has seen it they have heard of it. Hardly any sane person has heard of Grease 2. It's that bad that none of your older sisters had a copy.

Two films are being released as sequels in the next coming age. One of which doesn't deserve a sequel and the other simply makes you scratch your head as to wonder why. The former is Horrible Bosses 2 and the latter is Zombieland 2.

Horrible Bosses is the film we all forgot and when they announced it I was shocked that it has a number 2 on the end. However I watched the trailer and it actually made me laugh in parts. So maybe it's not all bad. What worries me though is the large amount of 'stars' in it. When I see a film do that I think they are trying to buy me into liking it. Or blind me with all the stardum. For example it has Jonathan Banks, who plays Mike in Breaking Bad and I was like 'Ah shit no way, I'm guna go see...Oh no.' You see it nearly got me!

Zombieland 2 is a confusing one. I liked this film a lot. The cameo by Bill Murray alone made it for me. The sequel is in the very early stages, Sony have only just confirmed the writer click here to find out who. (I have hyperlinks now.) This being said there can't be any speculation because from a professional journalistic point of view I cannot look foolish, but apparently Pamela Anderson is going to star in it with Vinnie Jones as her younger sister. There is no confirmation that any of the original cast will return and I hope to Gilgamesh they don't because the whole thing will have a Walking Dead feel to it. Like previously on Zombieland 'I want a twinkie!' 'I'm scared of ghosts and clowns' 'I'm Emma Stone.' You see it just won't feel nice at all to see them return. A sense of unease and anxiety will fill follow like when you have to stand between two men in a urinal (an urinal or a urinal, I said it to myself and it a urinal sounds much better so fuck you grammar.)

Please let me never see you four

together again, especially

Bill Murray.

 

One thing has annoyed me about that film: If you saw a zombie celebrity would you shoot it? No of course you wouldn't. 

I don't know what my conclusion is so here is a funny gif: