Favourite Game Whilst Being in a Relationship

Warning: The following is heavily steeped in sarcasm - DO NOT take literally.

Every relationship has their own idioms, the little nuances that make each partnership unique. One of these is the games couples play. We all have little silly games that ourselves and our partners play and it makes us feel special. They're a lot of fun, but the best of them all is 'Hide and Seek Our Things Without Telling Your Significant Other.' Oooo golly gosh this is a good 'en.

Remember that important bank statement we placed down on the bed side table because we were going to read it before bed, well why don't our SO's play our favourite game with that. We know we'll look at where we put our bank statements, it'll be liking hiding a needle in a haystack. What it's not there? After fifteen minutes of looking through similar looking letters we've discovered our partners  aren't playing easy, they've got a good game in mind. Why don't we look in the next three logical places: Where the books go? No. Where we put our keys? No. Well it must be on the dinner table. Oh no they've really stepped up their game.

Of course they've hid it beneath the sink with all the shopping bags for some unknown reason. What? That's where we put those things now? Oh I'm sorry I forgot the fucking memo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I Hate Being A Waiter

Being a writer I naturally have jobs on the side of my lucrative career. One of which is my long and love-hate relationship with the service industry. The best and worst part about this job is the customers. One customer could really make your day perfect and another could make you hate your life.

It's not even them being rude or tipping like a thankful cat. Even though at times I would rather you give me a dead bird than the change you just received from buying second hand tea bags from the shop that is five miles from your house just because they have better 'bargains'.

My main annoyance with the general populace is their belief that my job is to fulfill their every want and desire. Like why would you want lemon with your water? 'Excuse me my drink doesn't have any vagina in it?' that's what I hear. The only thing that I should be adding to your complimentary water is more water. Bruce Jenner probably went into a restaurant and asked for lemon in his/her water and the server misunderstood and gave him/her a fucking vagina.

And don't give me 'Well that's your job' bullshit. What the fuck do I look like? I didn't know my pimp let me change your meal so it's a shadow of its former self whilst working your arsehole like a pro. You don't want sour cream on your salmon then don't order it, its salmon. Let me give you this smoked salmon with no moisture so you can say in your head 'My body is 0.000001% healthier now I got rid of that gluten/soduim/carb addition that will make your supposed 'allergy' make your life less inconvenient.

I'm not going to have a go at those people that believe they are allergic to a million other things because I'm allergic to something. I went to Tacombi, an amazing Mexican restaurant and had some excellent food. When I got home my hands, my back, my chest, neck, head, eyeballs were all on fire, begging to be scratched. I had an allergic reaction to something I ate but you know the next time I go in, I'll put my massive balls in a wheelbarrow and order the same thing. I didn't die so fuck it, I got in the shower and was cool. Those hives went down as quick as they came up thanks to the best cold shower I've ever had. (Oh wait I did have a go at those people.) The only allergies that are of any importance are nuts and shellfish, anyone else make room for people who want to live life.

Speaking of living 'I don't eat gluten.' 'Oh are you allergic?' (in my politest server voice) 'No my family and I of white middle class suburban ball gaggers don't eat gluten.' Oh so when you die from getting hit by a car next week can you say you've lived a full life when you turned down getting a pizza at 1am when you were drunk? No you can't.

The only people who can be excused from having bread are people allergic to it. Anyone else you seriously need to look at your priorities. Pull down your pants, take out that 9" deluded dildo of a better lifestyle, you've had squeezed up inside you since that last time you called yourself a man and have bacon sandwich, with extra ketchup, margarine, on the whitest bread you could find. Because when death comes sooner then you think he won't care you've avoided gluten for your whole plain existence of a so called life.

Game of Thrones: Exploitative or Exposisitive.

I know it is somewhat late to post this but I had a customer the other day and she saw me reading Game of Thrones. Both being fans we immediately began geeking out. Until she said she felt like the series is 'too much' sometimes and went onto say 'As a woman' the rape scene with Sansa could have been implicit.

Certainly that is a valid point, as with most shows that is the tactic. Even with consensual sex scenes most series 'imply' people are having sex instead of showing them which doesn't damage the story. We all know what is happening so why doesn't Game of Thrones do it?

Well my retort to this argument is that as a man I have no idea what it is like being a woman and having that fear. It does happen to men, just look at the scene with Theon Greyjoy, he was only nearly raped and it filled my stomach fear because I can empathize with that. Can I empathize with a woman? No. Can I sympathize? Certainly, but can I feel?

When a film/show 'implies' something it can be shocking but we have to use our imagination to picture what is happening. Our imagination is limited because we know it is fiction, it's happening in our heads so we cannot become emotionally involved with what is happening.

The era Game of Thrones is set in, let's say for argument sake, is the Dark Ages, life was raw and rough. Knights raped entire villages, murdered plundered but these words are like stones to our ears, lifeless and meaningless, just words. Game of Thrones grabs us by the neck and says 'Fucking watch. These are people you love, watch them and feel for them.'

We can see these characters we know and love and fully empathize with them. When these characters are being subjected to horrors we know nothing about we can fully empathize with them because the realism of the show is a double-edge sword.

To do anything else, to imply what is happening would not only shame the show but also the themes that run through it. If it implies rape or murder and pans away then aren't we just panning away from the truth ourselves? That's why Game of Thrones isn't exploiting the horrors of rape and torture, its saying these things happen and they are much worse then you can possibly imagine.

That was a bit heavier so here is Ramsay Bolton playing with a sausage:

Shave your beard? More like Shave Your Dick

Beards are the best invention since photoshop. They literally make ugly people look better, that's why I am not single any more. Most men with beards are actually unattractive without them and they boast how manly they look with them but in actual fact are fearful of shaving because it exposes their hidden virginity on their per-pubescent faces.

So you starting a new job and they say you have to shave your beard. What do you do? You know if you shave it you'll no longer be a 'man' and by 'man' I mean a weak-chinned-facade-of-a-boy. If you don't shave it though you won't be earning all that extra money to take all your mislead girls on dates.

The answer is simple - Don't Shave! You think I'm going to shave even though if I don't I'm not ever going to get out of the service industry? I'm happy to be forever waiting on successful, secure, fulfilled human beings than to get rid of my man burqa. I shave and I lose any credibility that I actually have a dick.

It has been that long that you've had facial hair that shaving it means you have no dick. Why else would anyone go out with you? They are a guarantee to women that your childlike face can't be misconstrued for an androgynous baby.

On some level woman know you are a ugly, they're not stupid. But the beard is a well designed veil that allows them to ignore that fact as well as you and the rest of the world. The media is actual run by ugly people, that's why it's now 'cool' or acceptable to have a beard.

So if someone wants you to trim or shave your repulsive-face-barrier than simply direct them to a buzzfeed video detailing them on why beards are ok to have in any job now. Because if there is one thing I know is if buzz feed do a video on something then everyone has to be ok with whatever they are saying.

How I fight Insomnia

When I say insomnia I don't mean when you are clinically diagonised with it I mean when you can't sleep maybe two nights on the run and at its worst, its slightly annoying.

The best way to combat your mind just not switching off is to simply stop trying. I've heard this being said many times but it has never been actively explained. For example if you can't sleep just get up and do something else.

Don't sit up in bed and read a book or watch a film in bed, get out of bed go into your living room and read or watch in there. It works for me everytime. Right now I am sitting up typing at 4am. Its also dawning on me that I may have done this blog before.

Anyway I believe the fact that you are completely removing yourself away from the bed helps taking your mind off sleeping. People may say 'oh but I have to get up in four hours' most likely you are going to be lying in bed for four hours doing nothing, might as well do something constructive.

It doesn't even have to be productive, watch a film you've never seen before or start that book that has been sitting on your shelf or play a computer game. Use that time to do the things that you never get a chance at doing even if they are completely pointless.

It works for me with good effect because before I know it I'm feeling tired again. Hope this helps, if not e-mail me and we can stay up late together and create an underground fighting club with our alter ego's our mind produced to help deal with our insomnia!

I Have No Idea What It Follows Means.

I don't. I've dwelt on the subject for a good several hours and no exact theory has came to mind. The filmmaker has left a lot of clues throughout the film, mysterious breadcrumbs that don't even add up to a full slice.

There is one thing I am certain on however: I've read a few articles on the film and quite a few of them fixate on the Sex part. Most people assume there is a metaphor 'sex is bad', STD's, virginity etc. To me its too obvious, it doesn't take a film fanatic to understand that the strength of the film lies in its subtly. The whole 'sex to pass it on' is just an arbitrary device in terms of meaning. The sex part is purely superficial. We identify with sex when we grow up so its easy to understand. I was thinking 'I'd be fucked because I couldn't get a girl to sleep with me.' That's where the 'pass on' device works. There is no hidden meaning behind it, that's just how it gets passed on. If it was handshakes or borrowing someone's clothes to pass it on, it'd be harder for us to connect with that idea. The filmmaker himself said to Rolling Stones "It's not a moral film," Mitchell says in regards to the issue. "Obviously, you get this through having sex — but you also survive by having sex, since that's what is passing this on. It's a bit more complicated than just 'sex equals death.'"

The meaning of the 'creature' and the film lay much deeper. In all those articles I have read they do not address one very important and bizarre clue. The film is obviously set in the 80's or wants to convey that time. From the music, to the props, to the clothes everything screamed 80's. Yet Jay's friend is constantly reading from a seashell that looks very much like a weird Ipad, Kindle thing. Now if anyone knows this was an actual device in the 80's and I'm just ignorant of that, then fair enough. If it isn't however there is definitely some meaning behind that. EVEN if was in the 80's, isn't it weird as well, why isn't she just reading a book? What does the story in seashell mean in conjunction with the film?

There is something very evident about sandwiches in this film and water. Sandwiches are purposefully shown in the film and definitely not in an off-hand way. Some scenes start looking directly at them. Jay likes to swim and we see her treading water in her pool in her back garden. After a major plot point happens we catch a glimpse of her swimming pool has been broken. Like someone has sabotaged it. At the 'final' battle the creature won't directly get into the swimming pool. When it does and bleeds, the blood spreads and encompassing the water, almost as if it is taking it over, infecting it.

This film is great. The way it ends may not be liked by many people but it is the only way to end the film. There is little closure which is basically how all the characters in the film will feel so I get that and love it. If you haven't seen it yet I highly recommend it as it is a modern classic and the cinema is the only way to see a film as good as this.

Why MMA Has Ruined Friend Fights

I'll tell you a time when you and your friend would be playing footy or bored and the urge to fight would come over like any red-blooded male animal. You were friends however so no punches were thrown just good old fashioned grappling. Pure strength, instinct and leverage were your only means to win. Headlocks and leg-sweeps were your techniques. It would end in laughter as you both released each other and carried on growing up.

Now in the present day every single person knows how you to choke you out whilst breaking your arm at the same time.Thanks to UFC, play fights are a thing of the past. If you want to wrestle your friend you'd better know how to reverse a triangle choke or at least how to do a clean armbar.

The scariest thing is everyone is too dangerous without them knowing it. My friend was in a training session and his sparing partner locked him into an armbar. There was an intent to win but the sessions focused more on technique. That didn't stop my friend's arm accidentally snapping in half and now he can't fully extend it.

The worst thing about all this though and I'm sure you'll agree is that I have no chance in winning. I was and probably never will be strong so I used to rely on my instinct and leverage. My wily body would wriggle out of amateur holds and my instinct would know the right way to bend and where to put pressure. This advantage has now gone as everyone has been taught (and then some) what I naturally already knew.

Now if I want to fight with my friends I have to go either cheat and gauge them in the eye or lose face. Either way some people are getting Prince of Dorned. Thanks MMA.

Who is the Best Dragon Ball Z character?

Dragon Ball Z is one of the best shows ever to grace the airwaves. A story rich with complex heroes and fearsome villians, the challenges the Z fighters face are rivaled only by the shows magnificence. The show had a large impact on my life in terms of creativity and critiquing. It started with critiquing the episodes, sagas and characters themselves. As I casually studied these I concluded an answer to one of the most important questions: Who is the Best Dragon Ball Z character?

Tien Shinhan

This is purely opinion based but it is a fact Tien is the best character in Dragon Ball Z. Not only is he Goku's first real solo antagonist (in terms of an equal fighter) but he continued to punch above his weight even though he knew he would die.

In Dragon Ball Goku faced a lot of challenges but it was only till Tien, under the guidance of Master Chen, did Goku face a physical equal. In the World Martial Arts Tournament Tien actually technically defeated Goku to win the championship, not a boast many fighters can claim. Like many of Goku's beaten opponents Tien swore an oath to one day defeat Goku in combat by training fiercely. Even after discovering Goku was a Saiyan Tien still chased his goal, unlike Yamcha, Krillin and Piccolo. 

Another unique aspect of Tien's character was even when he was 'bad' he still cared for and protected his friend Chiaotzu. Most of the adversary's the Z fighters faced it was all about number 1, with the exception of the Androids, although that could be contested. It showed a rare compassion before he fought for good, showing that Tien was not just black or white.

The best quality of Tien however was his acceptance of his inferiority to his enemies and his disregard for it. Time and time again we saw the three-eyed fighter destroy himself with the foreknowledge it would mean his defeat. The first example is of course against Nappa. Seeing his friend Chiaotzu give his life away to save him Tien went into a rage and matched the great Saiyan in power whilst missing an arm! 

The greatest of these however and what solidified his right to be my favourite, I mean best character, was his multipe Tri-Beam attack on second form Cell. Tien whose power level would have been miniscule compared to Cell managed to continually push the bio-mechanical monster into a trench of his Tri-Beam's making. His exhaustion over this attack nearly killed him but his refusal to be fazed by a power that only an Ascended Saiyan could beat. Even 17 who beat the Z fighters, including two Saiyans, with ease could not make Cell flinch with a full fledged attack.

It has not been all defeats and sacrifices for Tien. In Other World on King Kai's planet Tien beats the Ginyu squad were as Vegeta, Gohan and Krillin could not. Even after Vegeta's senkai boost he received from being defeated on Earth, he could not beat Racoome. Tien did have help from Yamcha and Chiaotzu of course but keep in mind it is Yamcha and Chiaotzu. 

All of these and you have to consider the fact that Tien is just a human. He has no senkai boost, no fusing abilities or transformations but pure determination and blind courage. Tien had no surprises for his enemies, except the techniques he had worked hard on himself. Training was Tien's only boost. Plus he taught everyone else how to fly so without Tien everyone would have to find their own flying nimbus.

Life Is Short - A Saying I Hate

The assumption that life whisks us by is a horrid idea. The majority of us control our own reality, we allow the world to influence us to some degree. Saying that life flashes by or 'I can't wait for the weekend' means that is how our reality will be effected.

Time itself is completely subjective. This isn't pseudo-science, this is fact: the larger the gravitational pull the slower time will move. For example a day on a planet with twice the gravitational pull of Earth will be 48 hours. However it will 48 hours to the people on Earth but the people on the planet it will be 24 hours. The people on the larger planet are existing at twice the length of time to the people on Earth. The previous statement is actually false since time is subjective, it could easily be Earth's time is quicker but again this statement is based on a point of view not an objective view point.

To bring it back to our reality we do control how we perceive time. If we perceive life as short and existing in the blink of an eye then that is how it will exist. Yet if we look at if from the view point of a housefly our lives take a huge amount of space in the linear progression of time. Life does not flash by it simply is there and we must seize it. Not that Carpe Diem bullshit because how can you seize the day when you are working a 9-5, with 2 kids and a pile of bills to focus on. We just have to be aware that time is simply a man-made construct to objectify existence and not a depressing measurement for how ineffectual we are to the grandness of reality.

The most important thing is everyone has to stop using the phrase 'I can't wait'. I am against the banning of most things, except recreational usage of bicycle shorts but I could be argued into the banning of the phrase. To be clear I am not saying impatience is the worst thing ever because I can be extremely impatient a times. The statement is against overlooking the extraordinary mundane things that happen in between the boring exceptional things we get excited for. Enjoying your morning routine, or your commute to work, or Tuesday nights can be difficult but simply experience them, live them. Don't overlook the moments because they make up the majority of your time which make them special in their own right compared to the unique experiences we all look forward to.

And that's it: We don't have to stop being excited for these brilliant unique collection of moments we just have to look forward to them. I've came to the conclusion that we don't actually exist solely in the present because the present is always in the past, the exact present is continuous steam of future into present into past. Looking forward is being the future, present and past. 'Looking forward' to something is being excited about the continuous stream of time and how we exist in all those beautiful drops of  the ocean of time because to quote one of the most amazing films ever 'What is an ocean but a multitude of drops.'

It's Just Getting Too Much

I am a man of winter. I'm so English I always had an affinity to the weather during the winter but in New York it has just became too much. This is what I am feeling right now...

Games I Can't Stop Playing

Nostalgia is one of my biggest flaws. A wise man once said 'Look forward not back' I constantly disregard this saying when it comes to games. I am not saying games today aren't as good as their predecessors, but my golden years of gaming are definitely behind me. This has led to me always replaying old games, to recomplete or just have fun on. Below is a list of my favourite games to replay:

1. Tony Hawk's Underground

The first and best in the series has to be first in the list. I've completed it countless times as the story, gameplay and characters were so easy to fall in love with. It combined the addictive over-the-top play of the Tony Hawk's skating series with a great rags-to-riches story. It was also one of, if not the, first skating games in which you could jump off your board and walk around and also drive cars. The story did not take anything from the gameplay which was consistently crazy and fun. An easy game that you can jump on no matter your mood.

2. Halo: Combat Evolved

We all know this game as the one of the most revolutionary games ever. Changing a lot of things not only in FPS but games in general. This particular game did not have the online multiplayer it's successors had yet to me me it was the best out of them all. The action was perfect as there was no online multiplayer distracting the game developers so everything was focused on the single player. When compared with Halo 2, 3 and 13 you can see were the story got the benefit on the first time around. None of the Halo's have managed to captured the atmosphere this game had, none of them could better or even equal the twisting yet simple storyline, and none of them could better the level Assault on the Control Room.

3. Warriors

Even Rembrandt was sick, RIP.

The PS2 release was how a movie to game...game should be made. Every game company wanting to make the transition should study how this game was made. It was perfect. It had a rich and unique back story for all the fans of the film who wanted to know more about their characters and favourite street gang. It played along with the film as if the two were twins. It also contained some of the most gruesome and violent fighting systems ever, for example Cleo jumping on people's heads during rage mode. This game was just so much fun. It took nothing away from the film, it made you want to watch the film more which in turn made you want to play the game more.

4. DOOM for PSX

There will be some whiplash from this statement but do not go into a frenzy just yet let me explain: The PSX version of DOOM was the best, better than the PC and N64. Now the N64 version was nothing much but the PC version was obviously a good game. It had a storyline and better graphics, modding etc. But the game itself was not as good as the PSX. The reason being was mainly the atmosphere. The music in the PC version was all heavy metal and it led the player to be more courageous and have little fear of what he was up against. The PSX version created an atmosphere of fear, the echoing of tortured souls, angry demons, and brainless zombies as well as an eerie soundtrack made this game quite frightening. Especially when you turn a corner and suddenly there is a Hell Knight towering above you and lets out a grinding roar which tests your bowel reflexes. All this coupled with the fact it was the first game I had with the PSX made a perfect DOOM shaped hole in my heart that needed refilling annually.

5. Resident Evil 2

I have talked about some of these games in my previous blogs but none so fondly as this bad boy. The best out of the Resident Evil series which combined the Horror of 1 and the action of 3. A perfect balance that led to me playing this game so many times I actually completed with it in 2 hours and 37 minutes without dying, sadly I saved which was a dick move but whatever I got over it so should you. This record may not be the best out of those youtubers out there but it was something I am certainly proud of as an 'Amateur Gamer.' The graphics had a great upgrade from the first and cutscenes meant a move immersive story, but more importantly the game was basically four games in one. Complete it with Leon and Claire separately you have the same story more or less. However continue the save with the discs reversed and you get a whole different face to the game as the stories entwined creating a story few games had achieved at this point. 


6. Mass Effect series (but 1 in particular)

It hurts, it still hurts. Ever since I ended three after that bastard update I haven't played it since but before that I completed these games so many times. It was ridiculous. Even though the action was a bit awful and the team AI was atrocious the story was just amazing. So in-depth so meticulously thought out and (up until the end of 3) the decisions had fantastic and interesting impact in the later story. Some of the most extensive and breathtaking environments any game has created. I played this game so much I discovered how many people you could have sex with on the first game, three is the answer (if there is more let me know). I completed it with all the classes, maxed out so many different characters, the greatest of my creations being Being-Willy Shepard of course, no wonder they never said my first name in the entire series! Brilliant and even though the end of 3 kind've fucked my life up forever I'm sure I will come back to it at some point...maybe. Just the Reaper Indoctrination theory would've fixed everything! If they had played along with it after that update it would've been fine, but no they had to ruin it, why did they land the Normandy in front of the reaper at the end just to save two of your teammates like WHY! Everyone knew it was a suicide mission, so why did they want to be saved? FUCK!!!

7. Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

Okay let's bring it back to a happy place. Oblivion. No game has taken up so many hours of life than this game. My first place through, a Dark-Elf Warrior by the name of Penis-Face took at least 287 hours for me to stop playing and think 'Ok I've done enough.' I bought the game on a whim but it sent a message to the world saying 'This is how you make an RPG.' Built on the success of Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind it went on to achieve even greater feats. The endlessness of this game was staggering as the main storyline lay forgotten in your list of quests and murdering a bunch of people in a locked house in Skingrad for the Dark Brotherhood was your priority.

8. Sonic Adventure Dreamcast

Lastly but certainly not leastly was this glitchy, annoying but addictive game. One of the launch titles for my favourite console ever, Sonic Adventure re-launched a series that I had zero feelings for up to this point. After I had always returned to this game completing it over and over again. I knew it was a bad game in terms of dialogue, level design, animation, and gameplay but it was still just so much fun. It did have its plus points the character selection gave this game real lasting ability, the graphics were beautiful, and the story was actually good when you take into account all the characters who you could play lapped over each other without any error, impressive when compared to the gameplay. All these points gave Sonic Adventure a real quaint feel to it, even though it would be really frustrating at times, most of the time it was a nice relaxing game.

That's my list, I have stupidly sold a few of these games so if you have them lying around the house message me and we'll talk.

P.S. GTA would have been included but it was waaaaay too obvious.

One of My Favourite Awkward Moments

In my previous blog, in which you have undoubtedly read & shared amongst your friends, you will remember a reference to an NHS letter. A letter inviting me to a free chlamydia screening.

These letters are age specific they are sent to young adults as a way of saying 'Hey that green thing growing from you isn't embarrassing, why don't we sort it out though'. It's truly a great message, and I whole-heartedly agree with how the NHS approach this blight on the young and the reckless.

To digress for a paragraph or two some of you may have noticed I am no longer Shaun Tyrell on facebook but Peter-Shaun Tyrell. Many of you may wonder why I have changed my social media tag. In actual fact Peter-Shaun Tyrell is my real name. My dad wanted to name me after him Peter, my mum disliked the idea so like any great married couple they comprised thus Peter-Shaun Tyrell was birthed. However the registrar general forgot to place the hyphen in the name.

What does this have to do with anything? Why is he telling us this? I hear you ask. Well my NHS records register me as Peter Tyrell...the same as my dad's.

That's right, my letter of invitation to a free chlamydia screening, confidential I might add, became my dad's invitation to a free chlamydia screening. 

I arrived home with an apology from my dad, we both had a nervous laugh in which I assured him it was just a random invitation before embarrassingly heading upstairs to have a wee which burned only slightly.

The End.

Awkwardness of Facebook

The internet has allowed us to throw away the constraints of live human interaction. Socially inept people were able to communicate without hindrance or fear. Now the 21st Century is underway it has dawned on all of us that the social boundaries that segeragated people of different countries & cultures has bled over into social media.

What Facebook thinks it is

I have always had a huge phobia of being left out for anything. The main reason I skulk bitterely at you happy & adventurous bunch is because I'm petrified you won't invite me to any of the social things aka parties and get togethers. To avoid this I cut you off at the pass, strike the first blow, make the first move, take the initiative, give it fucking beans. How can I be rejected or overflooked if you cant see me or I ignore you first mwha!

Facebook was a chance to not care as I delved into the anonymous waters of the internet. Recently however I've become very aware of my exclusion from everything. It may have something to do with being 4000 miles away from my main bulk of 'friends' but my brain won't listen to logic. The only clear reason it sees is; as soon as I got on the plane everyone started having parties and getting engaged/pregnant #samething.

What it really is

No one bothers to reply to me anymore. My messages and comments are left awkwardly unreplied like a letter from the NHS inviting you to get screened for chlamydia. I feel like the ugly puppy; the 25-1 horse, or 75% of Benetiz's signing, sitting on that bench of the reserves...alone.

My social fears have come full circle and there is no place else to run, except the french 2nd division.

What I did when I found out Dre was 50

I put on the Chronic and...

The Hidden Meaning Behind The Borrowers

The Borrowers is a comedy about tiny people called The Borrowers who live in our houses and borrow items from their 'beans' (Human Beings). The film plays on our day to day forgetfullness and how we see to always keep losing batteries, keys, needles and scissors. The film places our excuses in the hands of The Borrowers who simply borrow the things we don't need or have an abundance of for their day to day life.

Not only is the film amazingly shot with excellent props and settings the films has an another level that until recently had alluded me: The film can be seen as an allegorical tale of the relationship between British and American relations.

The first reason was actually the thing that made me continue along this line of thought. The Borrowers are all played by British actors, the Humans Americans. The relations aspects comes into play as the borrowers are much smaller and live off the humans, as is the stereotype of our relationship. They are many times overlooked by the human beings because of their size and completely ignored because of the abundance of the items the borrowers take.


Most humans are also very ignorant. They take the loses of items as being forgetful and dismiss any ideas, until the younger more adventurous human goes in search of the borrowers. He is not contempt with assumption but tries to educate himself and discover the world outside his own life.

Moreover the 'bad' human being, the evil fat businessman who wants to destroy where the borrowers live and turn it into his Pottersville. When he discovers the borrowers his answer is to crush them, destory them, completely opposed to the younger human/american. The businessman represents America's ruthless, aggressive, capitalist attitudes who want nothing but to destroy for their own gain.

The borrowers are 'quiet, cautious, inconspicuous'. The famous line recited many times by the dad of the family is an expression of the stereotypical reserved British attitude. Think about how many times you were on holiday and saw a commotion your reaction was politely ignore it. Being quiet, cautious and inconspicuous is the stereotype of our mentality.

There are holes in this theory one being the exterminator and policemen are played by two famous british actors but fuck you my theory is right. I am also aware it was a book and has had many films preceding it but I am ignoring all these to suit my theory like any good researcher!

1 Thing Mums Should Stop Saying

Mothers have great advice. In most cases they'll be either the number 1 or 2 person you'll call about a problem. The life experiences mothers gather are so unique yet relatable it'll be hard to find a problem that cannot be solved by their advice.

However they do come up with some shit that is based on no evidence or personal experience whatsoever. Merely a comment passed down by their mother who was too busy making dinner that they didn't have time to focus on the problem.

One of these is 'Take your jacket off inside because you won't feel the benefit when you go outside.' This is so far from the truth it makes the distance between Earth and Pluto look like the 100m dash.

Living in New York facing -13 temperature isn't the most harshest of conditions but it has taught me a thing or two about the cold. When dealing with cold weather you have to think of it like your body is a fortress and the cold is a besieging force.

When an army attacks a castle, the defending force doesn't put their defences up last minute so the castle will 'feel the benefits of the moat, boiling water, murder holes and stockpiled supplies when the attacking force comes.' No they prepare as soon as they discover about the attack.

No castle or fortress can survive forever, it comes down to a case of supplies. The attacking force starves the defenders out if they do not have the overwhelming force to take the castle. Sun Tzu said an attacking force needs to outnumber the enemy 4-1 at least if the attacking force wants to win.

Like the cold no matter how many layers you wear the cold will eventually get to you. Yet if you stockpile your warmth when you go out into the cold it'll take longer for the cold to get to you. Most of my journeys have been a quick walk to the train station so I stockpile my warmth for they 5 minute walk.

Wear as many layers before going, in fact you should wear more so you are literally sweating before you got out. I'd say even wear them when you go out but you may look silly. This, my friends is fact!

Maybe another pair of socks

Quickie: Another Cool Video

Even though its a bit cruel the video is quite cool and certainly interesting:

3 really funny youtube videos.

I good friend of mine recently said 'Hey Shaun, I read your blog. I really like it you have an opinion and you stick to it. But your recent stuff has been shit, it's like you lost something.' Well I feel you are right so I've been trying to really on writing pieces that were like I used to.

This blog however I'm just showing you 3 videos on youtube because I can't write amazing all the time I need a break ok. So fuck you and your opinion. You probably won't read this because its one of my shit ones. But if you do I'm sorry don't box my face in.

1. Public WWE finishers

2. Shooterwilliamson does Gerrard's commentary

3. Bad Lip Reading NFL

The Oscars

Before I start I want to say I'm a little biased. We all now how this is going to turn out, it's going to be anti-Oscars and pro Leonardo Dicaprio. The fact that this man, not only hasn't won one yet but has only been nominated five times is unbelievable and one of those was 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape', which let's be honest was a big pile of used Ebola Patients jizz rags.

'Blood Diamond' is up there because it's fucking immense and 'Wolf of Wall Street' for its portrayal on 'Give Lads a Big Load of Money and See What They Do.' Seriously I wana do ludes. If anyone has any or something close inbox and we'll sort it out. Also 'The Aviator' but I haven't seen it because it was fairly close in the Leo timeline to 'Titanic' so I haven't really been arsed.

Such a powerful 

performance

Only these films have been associated with Dicaprio at the Oscars. How The Departed, Shutter Island, Inception, Body of Lies to name a few haven't been there is as corrupt as an Italian cabinet meetings day out to mini-golf and the winner gets a free lapdance from a 16 year old orphan girl. Leo has been Burlesconied out of the Oscars so many times it makes me think what is the point.

To be fair I have never watched the Academy Awards because I'd rather eat barbed wire covered in ghost chilli sauce and wash it down with 4 week old milk then shit it out through my penis hole. But when you look at what other films have been nominated, what other actors have been nominated you start to think, why does anyone watch this load of diseased semen?

I know this might sound crazy from a fan of cinema but I don't really care for Meryl Streep. You know when you meet someone and you think I have to be careful, you are too nice and I am going to be embarrassed if you turn out to be an evil cunt and I actually gave you ten quid to get the round in, only for you to come back and say the bar is closed and I have to actually ask you for the tenner back well Meryl Streep looks like that person.

I'm not going to lie,

this movie is actually really good.

If you look at her impressive 19 nominations in the Academy Awards you realise 'Fuck I've only watched about 3 of them. And not because she was in it. Was she actually in it? I can't even fucking remember it was so long ago and this was the only thing on tele and I was 12 and I just discovered masturbation and my parents just came in from their night out so I quickly changed the channel from babestation whilst pulling up my pj's and it just landed on the Deer Hunter or Kramer vs Kramer so when they walked in I looked like a nice kid watching some powerful cinema when in actually fact I was trying to bust my 4th load of the night over some ugly fake boobed slut who must have no self-respect or any redeeming qualities for that matter.'

Only women would've seen her films or anyone who likes Thatcher who, let's be honest are bellends. 'The Devil Wears Prada' really? That was in the Oscars. I've never seen it so you may think 'Ah you are speaking out of ignorance' Yeah well who cares, someone said don't drop that bomb it'll kill about 200,000 innocent Japanese people and set off a chain reaction in the atmosphere and could potentially changed our air forever and then the bastards dropped 2000 more in test strikes but no one had dropped the thing before that so how did they know.

Seriously most of those films are wank. The films she won was Kramer vs Kramer, which all I can remember from that is 'I hate you too, you little shit!', 'Sophie's Choice' I dont even know what to fucking say and 'The Iron Lady' more like 'The Cunt who shouldn't have shared my Oxygen.' And the rest I haven't heard of.

Some of you may be like 'What?! You haven't seen erm...one sec...Silkwood, it was great.' Well I was too busy watching The Two Towers. Like let's read what IMDB's blurb is for that film 'The story of Karen Silkwood, a metallurgy worker at a plutonium processing plant who was purposefully contaminated, psychologically tortured and possibly murdered to prevent her from exposing blatant worker safety violations at the plant.' Fuck that actually sounds quiet good.

I must confess most of her nominations have been for best actress and so Dicaprio would have a hard time winning that award and yes I may be deflecting my hatred for lack of Dicaprio nominations on to a woman who is actually a great actress, even though most of her films are a bit gay.

It's just I watched Shutter Island again for the 45th time and how a 'Godamn Us Federal Marshall' didn't win best everything angers me.

Photoblog: Christmas in New York

'Woah, what's going on its not Christmas anymore, you're either forgetful or extremely lazy!' I hear you all say well I'll tell you erm...erm... I forget my poin-oh whatever.

Ha joke.

But to actually address your wrongful accusation I've chosen late January for this post for a very purposeful reason. We are all down that the earth is now 2015 years old :P and Christmas went by in a flash. Well it's not! It's inside all of us all the time. Who says we can't watch Scrooged or Die Hard a hot day in May? Who? No one. You can make Christmas happen every day. Just like I am about, look at these photo's and plan your 2015 Christmas now and look forward to it all year round!

 I actually can't skate how depressing is

this photo when you realise that

 'New York at Christmas is meh' said no one ever

 The original Father Christmas.

Children would sit on his lead lap,

tell him their presents only to be greeted by

the sound of silence. Just like today.

 New York City Public Library

How boss is that?

And that. New York is pure scouse.

You have no idea how long it took me to

get this shot.

 I'd Rock-er-fella

Buy your tickets quick!

Okay I know you were expecting the parade but we slept in okay! We work long and late when we live in New York. Not like you bitches who come for 2 weeks and get up at 7 am everyday because they're on holiday. We work in New York, long hours, no breaks. I ate on the train yesterday, my breakfast as well as my dinner. We just don't have time! I'm sorry, to make up here is a milkshake.

It was tidy. And here are our feet.

We are tidy.

Merry Christmas everyone!